I had an epiphany

Okay so he came for "a couple days" which was actually a week and did not make any real effort to see me. The one day he did the time of arrival changed multiple times for various reasons however didn't happen because I live "too far".

I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid.

The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I don't. I just realized as the hour got later, the excuses begun and ultimately he spoke the words that let me know that I didn't matter enough to him to make the drive. Or perhaps he was feeling some kind of way which made it hard for him to see me *side eye @ my damn self for justifying his behavior* yet isn't that what we (women) do? Make excuses, justify the reasons why and excuse the behavior although its showing us clear as day that his expression of love isn't the level of what we deserve.

Well I'm done with that faux acceptance. I require a man to want to see me regardless of the distance! I require that a man make time for me, not what's left over after he's done all that he wanted to do with whomever he chose to do it with and squeeze me in as an after-thought. I want a man who knows what I have to offer and accepts me, flaws and all. I want a man who knows he doesn't need to be perfect or hide behind the 'ideal' he THINKS I am interested in. I want a man who understands that I am multifaceted as he should be. I want a man who lays with me and comforts me so there are no more sleepless nights. I want a man who is strong enough to wipe my tears yet gentle enough to give insight on something I may not see clearly without being full of his ego or condescending.

For now I will continue to work on myself and allow GOD to continue his work because I know these trails (some apart of growth and others self-afflicted) are here to prepare me for what's in store. No more settling for less.