Date: December 16, 2016
Time: 8:14- 8: 34 A.M.
Song: One Step Ahead- Aretha Franklin
I am processing feelings, or maybe it's just the belief that "the love of my life" has come and gone. A Scorpio (the first I'd ever encountered) so November is always difficult, but the approaching date of his passing is shortly past Christmas and New Year's which is even more so -sigh- but, is that fair?
To attach all the love I have to give in that way to someone who is no longer available to receive it?
Yet, the idea of loving another in that capacity frightens me.
I've come to think, perhaps I've sabotaged all relationships after him, avoiding giving that level of love away.
Last week a song ("One Step Ahead" by Aretha Franklin) played during a movie [Moonlight] and unexpectedly I was flooded with thoughts, memories, and feelings; I'd buried long ago.
I don't where to go from here.
The saddest part is, I don't think I want to love anyone else in that way. I don't think I am ready to move on from the experience I shared with him. Fourteen (14) years after he died and I have never met another even remotely similar to him.
Finally I felt as if I was running in circles; chasing a type of love that no longer exists. So I stopped. Expressing that love only to myself (and a select few; however, never quite on that level with others). Makes me miss him like crazy. Wishing I had more time, wanting to express my truest emotions.
Suddenly I feel twenty- one (21) again, experiencing his death all over again. Trying to come to terms with how I should feel and I am beyond clueless. I don't know what or how to feel; to the point I wish I were numb, but instead I feel EVERYTHING, all at once it seems.
Interacting with people now I think maybe that's not in the cards for me, maybe my "happily ever after" doesn't include a "him"; and that's fine. But, is there something wrong with that? Am I "cheating" myself? That's where my mind is boggled, because who's to say if a thing is "wrong"? I don't deal with feelings/ emotions much at this level, it seems illogical therefore, meaningless. So I'm completely in uncharted territory.
I'm overwhelmed. And in love; with a ghost of the most amazing, fascinating, and enlightening relationship I've ever experienced.
On one hand I feel it's betrayal to move forward, yet the other hand believes it was a "once in a lifetime" romance and I'll just disappoint myself trying to have that again...
What's the truth?
