At this very moment I feel alone, completely empty. I don't know where these feelings came from or why, but most importantly I don't know how to get rid of them.
However, as I wrote that last sentence I am reminded of the "when". Last week, or maybe two weeks ago I believed my grandmother, the woman who took me into her home and raised me as her own child, was going to die. I saw her weak, heavily sedated, unable to breathe on her own, unable to speak, eat, drink, laugh..... All of the things we take for granted.
At that time I was reminded of "loss", which has always been a touchy subject for me. I remember when Terrance died. Even typing that was extremely difficult. I know I've never been the same. Terrance held my heart, he knew my hopes, dreams, desires.
I loved him with my very being. I love him still.
I remember the child I carried, hearing the heartbeat followed by days, weeks, months, years of pain. I've never experienced anything like it, before or after. I often think of that child and how my life would be different had she made it. I am not completely sure of why, but I've always believed that the child I was carrying was a little girl. Sometimes I wonder 'what if......' I won't allow myself to finish the thought because its too hard/painful. I understand that everything happens in its own time, but that's a tough one to get over.
Now, I love a man. I don't recall when or even how it happened. All I know is that I've loved him for many years. I feel in my heart that it has become one sided. Perhaps that's where the emptiness comes from. Of course, no one wants to experience rejection yet at some point it becomes necessary. Last month during a simple conversation about my son maturing and feeling a way about calling me "mommy" I expressed to this man how I missed my son being a baby. He decides to mention having another so of course I say I would. On the inside, I am over the moon! The man I love, wants to have a baby with me. Not only is that what I've longed to hear for so years but in my grandmothers condition, I know she would be happy. She loves for us (her children & grand-children) to build families. As does most elderly people, they somehow feel as if its a part of them to stay behind after they're gone.
Since that exchange and a few other moments he then mentions to me that I get confused in our dealings which is why he handles me that way that he does. Not only was I hurt by these words, on some level I even took offense. As if he shitted on my love for him, and this baby that never existed. I truly don't know what the future holds, however I find it harder and harder to believe that somehow, someway we'd end up together. Maybe we aren't supposed to. I've never felt close to anyone, the way I felt for Terrance. This was the first time anyone came close, which maybe the reason I hold on so tightly. Maybe its time to let go.
I guess only time will tell, in the meantime I pray this empty feeling goes away.
