"Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in the secret place"
Psalms 51:6
According to my mother, she was unaware that she was carrying me until she was approximately 5 months pregnant. She never experienced morning sickness or missed that "special time" us girls love so much (catch the sarcasm), she continued her life without the discomfort most women experience during their first pregnancy. I don't recall how she realized that she was in fact pregnant however I do recall her telling me the story of how she named me. She said she was sitting alone and heard a voice tell her "I need you, come here" so from that (as ridiculous as it may sound) she named me, ******* Kamille. For most of my life I thought that story was completely embarrassing and I had even grown to hate my name, choosing to go by Kamille instead. As I type these words, I now understand how it tied together. You see GOD knew that I had a purpose on this earth, (S)He hid me in the womb to make sure I had a chance at life, (S)He spoke to my mother and gave her a responsibility and understanding that she needed me.
As a child I remember feeling different, I didn't really relate to the other kids and I was always with my grandmother, holding conversations and learning her ways and asking her a million questions on why she chose to do things the way she did. I was always fascinated with the "why", it was never enough to know what to do, and I needed to understand why it was done that way and if there was a better, more efficient way to get something done. I'm sure you can imagine how time consuming that could be, so somewhere along the way I was taught (perhaps indirectly) that my way of thinking was "wrong" and that I even "thought too much". As I sit here now I see how foolish that is and I now understand why I allow my son to talk my ear off. I often get frustrated at him when he says "I'm not thinking about anything"; I reply to him "that is impossible. If you don't want to share your thought that's one thing but to not have a thought is impossible". He now understands the difference. But, I digress.
As I grew older I became bored with my surroundings and my life completely, I knew there was more to it than what I saw around me. I would often joke and say that I was adopted or switched in the hospital because the life I was living was vastly different from the world I created in my mind. I daydreamed often, honestly I still do. The world outside my window had grown depressing and mediocre, at some point I concluded that my life would be no different from those around me and I began to make poor decisions which resulted in lessons only "life" can teach you. The result was a very jaded, unhappy, mean and insecure girl who often just felt misunderstood. At some point I began to accept the "fact" that in order for people to like me, I had to be perfect and do things the way I was expected to without question. I figured "if I say and do everything 'right' they will love and accept me". Boy was I wrong! I found myself miserable, I would go to a job I hated and count the minutes until lunch and again until it was time to go home. At home I would shut the world out and sleep until it was time to do everything all over again. What an existence! I began to experience stomach issues and the doctors loved to call me "obese" at a mere 180 lbs yet they could not explain why I was experiencing the issues that I had nor did they know how to correct them. In October 2011, I saw a doctor and I asked him to refer me to a nutritionist and he had the nerve to tell me "No", he told me to take these pills and "see if they work". I had finally had enough. I decided to cut some things from my diet and exercise, I slowly started seeing results, then in January 2012 I decided it was time to do the cleanse I had been avoiding for the past 2-3 years. I planned out the start date and began to put together a game plan. My objective was to never have to go to a doctor who didn't care about my well being, so I had to eliminate the issues causing me to see them. I asked myself, "what is my outcome?" and soon after I had a thought to read a book in conjunction with the cleanse. I decided I would do The Master Cleanse (www.themastercleanse.org) for ten (10) days and read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Around day 4-5 I realized that God was extending grace towards me, and offering me a choice at life. I was so far gone prior to this experience and I did not care about anything or anyone. I was vain, self centered, moody, judgmental, and insecure. I had trust and abandonment issues, you get the picture, I was A MESS! After day 5 the cleanse seemed like a cake walk, I was talking AND more importantly, LISTENING to God. I began to smile again, I was thinking clearly and I was beginning to feel good about myself. It was in that moment I knew something had changed in me and that I would never allow myself to go back to such a dark unhappy space. As I approached day 10 I wasn't sure of the feeling that seemed to be consistent, then I realized….. I was happy.
