Today while dealing with my newfound friend who I can’t seem to shake, the anxiety was ever present throughout the morning. As I type this I am aware of my many other issues and how one more is exactly what I DON’T need. I am flawed; I will be the first to tell anyone. I recall dating someone years ago and our connection was quite unique. I’ve mentioned him a few times before, however at this moment I recall a conversation we had while I was helping him pack for a move. As we were taking books off of his bookshelf and arranging them into boxes he asked me, “why are you single?” and without a second thought I began to rattle off all of my flaws and how I hadn’t met anyone who could accept me for the person I was. Talk about honesty hour, I had no idea what his response would be and as I stated MY truths I did not think of how the rest of the conversation would go. I can’t say “to my surprise” because I honestly had no expectation. He was welcoming and understood everything I’d shared. I am happy to say my list of flaws has changed a bit since that conversation in hmmm late 2005- early 2006. I can’t say that it decreased, probably a few things have been swapped out.
We’ve discussed, or should I say, I’ve shared my neurotic relationship with my OB/GYN (see “Team Abstinence”). So there’s that, then we have my OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), I remember, the same guy would mention things to me and before he knew it I already had lists made out and was on to a game plan on how he/me/we could accomplish it. I recall one evening in particular, he invited me to his home to watch a movie and as the movie played and we talked he began to fold some type of flyers for an event or something he’d put together. Well he was doing it “wrong”, the folds weren’t equal, some weren’t facing the right direction, and you get the picture. So rather than explain to him how he was messing it up (from my perspective), I just kind of took over and did it “correctly”. As he witnessed this happening he just laughed and said how he knew I would do that. In that moment I could not figure out if he was playing me (handling the flyers in a way to get my attention knowing I would take over and do it “properly”) or if he was just being himself and knew me well enough to know that because I cared for him and whatever concerned him that I would do my best to assist him in any way I could.
I organize everything, nail polish, cleaners, dishes, even my feminine hygiene products (tampons, panty liners then pads… tmi sorry), but it has to be in a particular order or I feel as if it’s cluttered. I organize books by category, title (alphabetical) then by size. Clothes are by style (tanks, short sleeve, long sleeve, etc.) then color. Brushes are by style and size. I have to have a certain number of body wash and they must be a particular brand and scent. The list goes on. I compulsively wash my hands and I have to do things three times to register that it’s actually been done. To someone else this may seem like a lot (it’s not even the tip of the iceberg), but for me this is “normal”.
Then the trust issues; but that’s where I get a little stumped. As I’ve become aware of things in a different way I realize that what I once chalked up as “trust issues” was a bit more of intuition. The trouble comes when things come to pass and I knew it would be that way. I don’t always know if I just “knew” what the outcome would be or if I somehow didn’t believe so I manifested the outcome to fit my disbelief. I understand the Law of Attraction (also, see a documentary titled “The Secret” for more information), I believe that what you dwell on will manifest in your life. I have several examples of that throughout various posts, I’ve mentioned how I walked through a neighborhood while I worked at a job and would say to myself that I want to live there and now I do. I’ve mentioned how at one point I wanted to be in a relationship and composed a list of the qualities I wanted my partner to have and that happened as well. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. The bottom line is good as well as not so good, whatever you focus your thoughts on will manifest in your life.
Today I typed on my twitter (@ShoesEqualAmore) “I need to stop doubting myself regarding my wants, needs and abilities”. I realize that I don’t trust myself when it comes to many of my thoughts, well only when it comes to me. I can encourage and motivate almost anyone, I can find the best in someone, I can see their potential (most times), all without a second thought. I trust my intuition; however when it comes to my wants and even my needs, I will talk myself out of things. I’ll say “I don’t really need that” or “it can wait, I’ll just do this for ____ first”, even with making this blog public, for years I just refused to do it. I didn’t trust that anyone would read it or that I was good enough (I’m not even sure what I was comparing myself to). I am learning each day to believe in myself the way I believe in others, to see the good in myself and acknowledge my abilities. I figure that’s the only way to truly improve. I know I am brutally honest with myself which I don’t intend to change, however I need to show the same degree of love, respect and care as I’d expect from anyone else. Well actually more since I’m really all have. If you think about it, if you don’t care for yourself properly, how will anyone else learn?
So I will do better and trust my intuition especially when it comes to my own best interest.
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