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 "to whom do I owe the symbols of my survival? to whom do I owe the woman I have become?

Audre Lorde

It took me a moment to realize if I wanted to share on here or the other blog and I thought it would be more appropriate here since this one is surrounded around me becoming the woman I envision myself as. I feel as if I've spent plenty of time in my thoughts about my feelings rather than my feelings about my emotions; as a Capricorn (Sun sign) I am unsure what to do with that. I feel as if it was time to refocus on what that means and why I began writing to begin with. It's been so long I don't know where to start, but I do know why I begun sharing my thoughts, feelings and emotions on the blogs. I suppose as the quote suggests a feeling of "owing" the symbols of my survival for those of us who are still becoming. By sharing my experiences some will know that they are not alone in what they may be going though while others, may gain some insight or clarity in what they may be experiencing on their personalized journeys. 

For the past four years I've mostly written about thoughts and feelings, but for some reason tonight I am focused on writing, and where I want to go with it. I've mentioned before the desire to write a book, yet now I don't really know what I'd like to say. The following quote helps a little; it says: "everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart."~ Rumi. I know my hearts desire is to write and for now I am enjoying the things that seem to come to light as I allow my fingers to cross the keys uninterrupted. It feels freeing and at times a bit scary after I've re-read the things I've shared. Not scary in a sense of thinking I've overshared, but more so the level of vulnerability I've allowed myself to show. I feel as if certain placements in my natal chart are emerging from deep within and it's time to allow those sides of myself to flourish. I think that gives me pause as well, making me think I need to write more in my journal while knowing what to share here as well.

I feel as if I am ready to journey into an aspect of myself I am still discovering and as I re-read the first quote I think I may owe it to myself to continue to share, but maybe more on this outlet in addition to the others. As I shared in Sitting In Silence I've been focusing on my chakras and restoring balance, I can feel them opening and the energy clearing from blockages throughout. Even more so after smoking a strain called "Golden Dream" which is a blend of Golden Ticket and Blue Dream, two of my all time favorite strains. I could feel the tingling in my spine, up to my brain like a wave, massaging my brain from the inside out. Only a few strains give me that feeling, even though I predominantly stick to sativa I now choose hybrids. If you are familiar with my resent entries I've been debating calling my former therapist to discuss some things I've been feeling, I feel as if it's almost time to do that. I think I am releasing a lot of energy that hasn't been serving me for quite some time now, and I may need someone other than friends or my tarot reader to help decipher them.

It feels good to write here after so long, I think it may even be time to revisit the two hundred plus drafts I have left unpublished. I've read a few, but the only thing stopping me from sharing some of them is the timestamp; I don't want it to seem as if they are new thoughts or experiences when some of them date back to 2016. I'd like to keep the expressions in the same order as they came to me. In time I may get over that or perhaps I won't and they will remain in the drafts. Then a lingering thought of extending those entries for chapters of the book, maybe that is the direction I should go in? Funny, I usually don't share these types of thoughts, but for some reason I don't mind tonight. My fear is that I'll keep mentioning in yet procrastinate on actually manifesting that into my reality. I then think back on my recent writings about allowing things to happen in the appropriate time. As fireworks echo in the nights sky I feel really good, as if things are working out for me. My hope is that wherever you are, in whatever stage of your journey you find yourself on; that you have peace. I hope that you have or will find your hearts desire and if you feel lead to share it with others that you are doing so. Even if it isn't on a public platform, maybe with friends and family or your community. I know the current state of the world is a lot to deal with these days, but I also hope that we are finding ways to manage to incorporate self-care into the mix; especially for our mental and emotional health.

I think I've come a long way from How Did I Get Here, I feel as if the years of studying myself, clearing negative energy and toxic traits, along with balancing my chakras has brought me closer to the woman I've envisioned for myself. I don't know why I use the word envision, because I feel as if it's just going back to myself before I forgot who I was; I guess more of my authentic self. In writing these words I feel different than I did when I wrote Transparency, only because I thought I would say so much on this blog after writing that; but I ended up focusing on the other blog. This time I feel as if I may share on both. Even when I get a bit confused on which blog to publish. Like tonight, but I took a moment and a toke or two and the revelation came to me simply where this post should go. Sometimes I take a few days to write a post only because inspiration comes and goes or like tonight, I don't know how I want this post to end and I have yet to think of a title. Normally I wouldn't share that either, but I think a side effect of this strain is talkativeness which happens occasionally. It's interesting how that plays out in real time. Add to that the Sun in Scorpio and the Moon in Cancer has that effect as well; not to mention the Super Full (Blue) Moon this past weekend.

Now with Mercury gone direct and several planets still in retrograde I feel as if I need to re-visit the introspection done and perhaps take a beat to process the feelings, emotions and thoughts downloaded during that time. I feel as if I've grown in this short period of time when things were moving at a slower pace; from what I've read of Uranus retrograde I feel the changes in the air. Especially since I've been seeing the number "555" so frequently while Mars retrograde calls for action, I suppose that's why I feel the need to do something, figure something out or learn something I feel like Im supposed to know at this stage of my journey. I think once I reflect some of the answers will come to me, lately in dreams which seem as if they are reality. I will admit, I love those types of dreams; but I tend to sleep much longer than necessary on purpose in order to enjoy the lucidity of them. As the music plays I realize I still don't know what to title this entry and that's been the case for about a week now. Funny how it seems the writer's block has ended yet the details of things are escaping me, I don't know why that is or what to do to correct it, nevertheless, I know the answer isn't too far away. Maybe the answer is regarding why I continue to share or are we past that?

I think the two quotes may tie together in that I feel a sense of survival when I share my experiences, especially in older posts on this blog; seeing how miserable I was and then to overcome so many challenges throughout the years to return happy, healthy and ready to grow more. I feel as if writing may be a form of an escape; an escape from the noise in my head caused by anxiety or what has lifted my depression (with the help of the meds). I feel as if it's an act of survival to write, share and hope that someone relates or find the words relevant to their life or circumstance. I think that's the purpose I have in my heart, I am unsure the level of passion as I wrote on Mysteries Of My Heart, I think like any relationship the level of passion may fluctuate from time to time, but will always return stronger, more grounded, which is what I feel regarding my relationship with writing. Perhaps this is my particular work and the goal is to remain passionate and inspired to write and share, especially on this outlet. I feel as if I have a lot of growing to do, I know spiritually; although it's been my focus for the past twenty years, I still feel like a little girl navigating through the world in a grown persons body. I feel as if I have more healing to do and I am not completely sure where to begin. It's crazy to feel as happy as I do yet knowing there's still spaces within that need to heal from things I did not know affected me throughout this lifetime.

I'm still unsure how this entry will end, so I'll allow some time to pass and just say; to be continued...

Transparency

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.”

Expherience

It’s interesting to see the growth in the girl who began this blog, realizing some beliefs that no longer serve me and how I have learned to recognize their origin. Becoming a woman is not an easy task; I think the most appreciated change has been maturity in various aspects of the word. I am learning to “be the light” and the more challenging, “give people your power to see”; I tend to like to stay low-key. People are often surprised (irl) when they discover a talent or gift that I possess, although it may be something I’m extremely familiar with I may shy away from the exposure or attention. I’m working on that, even in my sharing on this blog as well as the other. Oftentimes I have thoughts of writing or words to share and I’ll talk myself out of it, for fear of the unknown…

One of my goals for the new year is to be more expressive in my writing, sharing and in my daily life. I suppose that’s the “show them your soul” aspect of the above quote. That’s the part that scares me the most; which some would say is the reason I have to, but the amount of vulnerability required holds me back. Yet when I think about it I have flashbacks of moments in this life where I have held back my thoughts and/or feelings for various reasons and as the scenario played out I was not 100% satisfied with the outcomes. Like the saying goes, “youth is wasted on the young”; for had I known then the lessons I’ve learned along the way I would be so much further in various areas of development. i don’t quite know how else to make sure the future doesn’t repeat certain “mistakes” of the past other than to dive into my heart and expose my soul. It’s as if the Universe has conspired to make me do just that.

So as this year comes to an end and the new year approaches I intend to plan dates for 2018 along with acknowledging milestones and memories, in addition to goals set forth in an effort to do my best with regard to my higher self and greatest good. That sounds simplistic; however I have a feeling it may be one of my greatest challenges yet.  Perhaps the mission is to discover the root of these beliefs which have hindered me from baring my soul thus far. Maybe that’s how it begins, uncovering blockages within myself which are expressed in the form of guarding my heart and soul from the world. Only the days of next year will tell and shape a future of complete transparency.

Blessings to you and your loved ones today as well as throughout the "holiday" season and coming year 💗✨

All The Things I Won't Say

is it True?
is it Helpful?
is it Inspiring?
is it Necessary?
is it Kind?

Do you truly "T.H.I.N.K" before you speak? Typically I do, however the way I think has changed over time. Before my only care was if I found it "true" and "necessary", you know the "let me tell you about yourself" approach, funny thing about that is: not everyone cares if its actually true, as in "a fact". Most seem to simply operate out of their truth, which is subjective based on the number of facts they believe they have. Not researching further into a situation prior to speaking what they may know nothing or very little about. I was such a bitch, however it was because I said the things to someone's face that others gossip about behind their backs. I didn't care about friends, being liked or anyone's feelings, I figured "someone had to tell'em". Then I asked myself, "why do you HAVE to be that someone"? So I stopped.

Now I incorporate the "helpful" and "inspiring", in my opinion those are the most important. Kind is relative, mainly because sometimes the truth isn't "nice" to hear. However, word selection can "fix" that (sometimes). Today in therapy I spoke candidly with my psychologist, as I always do, the great thing about therapy is, I don't have to "think" about my answers to the questions, I don't have to care if things "sound nice" or how anyone else feels about my thoughts, feelings and emotions. That's one of the places where I am free to be myself, to the core and feel understood and safe.

There are very few spaces where I feel that these days. Most of the time I interact with people, I know that EVERYTHING is being judged. Somehow people believe that my weave is my hair, and when I'm honest about it they somehow feel deceived as if I'd conned them into believing it was then pulled the rug from under them. Next my clothes, "what designer is that?", "Oh, you got that bag from Target?", "when are you getting that Louie Vuitton?", "how many pairs of 'red bottoms' do you own?", "why'd you wear that?" -sigh- why the fuq do you care?!?! What does any of that have to do with who I am? I recall when I met *edited*, I was such a Shopaholic/ "Brand Whore", who cares how it looks really? It's ________. Over time I started to care less about designer only purchases, don't get me wrong, I love nice things and I'll choose quality over quantity any day, yet as I've matured I understand what can be simple (basic) and what should be "luxury", like who cares the name on my television? How's the picture? It's great, okay next question... Recently when I met him and his mother out, he complimented me on my bag and asked who it was by, I said "just some shop off Melrose" and he mentioned something about how I always find the "exclusives". I love that he knows me, he understands me and most importantly, he accepts me for who I am no matter what I have or how I look.

Today (well Yesterday at this point) was tough, last Wednesday I was a complete mess so initially I intended to keep my appointment then it was clear that I'd be late, finally I'd conceded to the fact that I wasn't up to it. So when I went in today I could tell that she was sizing me up, something I despise. As of late I feel as if our sessions are filled with her own agenda however since she hasn't come out and said what she actually feels or thinks I've chosen not to address it. The thing I felt as I left our last encounter was that my secret space had been contaminated. I feel as if she's rushing me and I am not sure why, the motive isn't clear and that alarms me. I'm starting to feel as if I can no longer trust her. I no longer feel the same confidence in her having my best interest at heart. Because of this I feel as if I shouldn't share the same degree of honesty, not that I would now become dishonest, but I am contemplating changing my approach from candid to a "need to know" basis.

There are very few people that I allow to see my candid side, the "flaws and all" Kamille. Funny thing is, a lot of people believe they know me and quite frankly they don't. I bet they'd argue the contrary, but who really cares? I had another conversation prior to my session which started off pleasant then took a turn for the worst. Some people are able to "dish it out" but truly can't take it. One of the things I love about this person is, he's "honest" with me, on the flip side, like everyone else he has no trouble telling me what his dislikes about me as well as everything I do wrong. Yet refuses to take responsibility for his part in our failed interaction. Once he completed his rant I just said "ok.", I mean what is there for me to argue? I'm not here to convince anyone of anything. Truth is truth no matter how you slice it, and for all of the people who believe I'm a horrible person there are the same if not more who would attest to the contrary. So who's right? Both, their perception is their reality and as that saying goes "what you think about me is none of my business".

The day began in an amazing space of peace, love and gratitude then morphed into this space of aloneness. I felt attacked by everyone I encountered in a relatively short span of time. On the bright side I did manage to get a decent run in before I was ready to shut down. I then cooked, cleaned my kitchen, took a bath and prepared for Bible Study. Briefly while in the bath (which I've dubbed "The Magic Hour" see #MermaidLife) I battled with staying in the tub for my usual 2 hour minimum and skipping class. I then realized the way I felt in that moment was exactly why I had to pull myself together and get a word to shift my energy. As this journey reveals itself, slowly, I am finding it more and more difficult to encourage myself. Don't get me wrong, I study my Bible, allow music to minister to me and made an attempt to be even more selective of the people I allow in a particular space. I am learning to be fair to myself, I used to be so selfish and self-centered, a self-proclaimed narcissist so as I've made changes I've begun to overcompensate, in turn creating unhealthy dynamics where I find myself getting "the short end of the stick". Somehow expecting others to care on the same level that I do. I believed that was the way of "a Christian", you know, "work as unto The Lord". Then I realized, God wants us to feel loved, appreciated, cared for and all other good things (countless scriptures support this) so why am I "killing" myself making everyone around me happy yet I'm left feeling unloved and unsupported?

I know EVERYTHING that people dislike and even "hate" about me, crazy thing is, I'm not talking about strangers, I'm talking about "friends" and family. I couldn't tell you a thing they genuinely like or even love about Me, oh, "I give good advice" that is as long as it co-signs their wants, needs and desires, otherwise I'm an "asshole" or I "go too hard" or whatever else is said behind my back blah blah blah. I feel as if I need to find a balance, I don't want to be the bitch that I was however being this "nice" and "polite" as much as it is who I actually am, I find the level of inconsideration and neglect I feel makes it difficult to continue to express. Which is why i hid it for SO long. For example I spoke with someone recently who has been stressed at work , well the ironic part is, I confided in this person when I first felt stressed at my job and needed his help in ways to relax and not to my surprise he was insensitive and could care less, because it didn't affect him. Well now the shoes on the other foot, and what do I do? Offer remedies to help relieve stress yet they aren't good enough because its not the outlet that he'd prefer. So I'm told often about "my bullshit" yet like a dumbass what do I do? Continue to send positive messages sporadically, so I say something positive and I thought it would be the typical exchange, not this day. His response is the same however I felt as if I should handle him the way I'd handle a conversation with anyone else. I was then called "crazy" because I gave words of optimism, positivity and encouragement O_o. With each exchange I expected the conversation to end, but it kept going.

The part that amazes me about people who judge me, I don't judge them, although I could and sometimes I think, should. But that's not "my lane", who am I to judge? I'm not perfect nor am I God, that's His job my job is to get closer to Him and express love, unconditionally. That part is NOT easy. The thing is, I was crazy; reckless, unkind, selfish, self-centered, a spoiled brat, possibly an alcoholic (2005- 2008)... The list goes on, yet no one was concerned then. No one called me "crazy" or thought anything was wrong, but now that I'm happy, they say I'm "weird", "crazy", "depressed" and would prefer that I spend my days medicated in order to return to work (prematurely). So I ask: who really has things mixed up?

I praise God for how far I've come, also acknowledging how much further I have to go. I also thank God for all the things I don't say, especially the things I have thought yet chosen not to entertain. Usually when people call me "mean" I can't help but laugh because if they knew the unfiltered thought(s) or the reprimand I'd received from God prior to what I could've let slip out of my mouth. I am grateful for God's mercy as I think about how "brutally" honest I could be, yet I am aware of how unnecessary that is. I appreciate the level of consciousness and understanding to know what to keep to myself and what to say, not out of arrogance, but out of confidence in knowing the difference.

The scripture comes to mind, Philippians 3: 12-21 (ERV) which states:

I don’t mean that I am exactly what God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal. But I continue trying to reach it and make it mine. That’s what Christ Jesus wants me to do. It is the reason he made me his. Brothers and sisters, I know that I still have a long way to go. But there is one thing I do: I forget what is in the past and try as hard as I can to reach the goal before me. I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven. All of us who have grown to be spiritually mature should think this way too. And if there is any of this that you don’t agree with, God will make it clear to you. But we should continue following the truth we already have. Brothers and sisters, join together in following my example. Also, learn by watching those who are living the way we showed you. There are many who live like enemies of the cross of Christ. I have often told you about them. And it makes me cry to tell you about them now. The way they live is leading them to destruction. They have replaced God with their own desires. They do shameful things, and they are proud of what they do. They think only about earthly things. But the government that rules us is in heaven. We are waiting for our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, to come from there. He will change our humble bodies and make them like his own glorious body. Christ can do this by his power, with which he is able to rule everything.

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Philippians is a very good read especially for encouragement and guidance. As I read the passage above I actually had tears (once again since yesterday). I am so grateful for the circle I've found in my church, attending prayer on Tuesday evening followed by Bible Class on Wednesday was magical as things continue to align themselves all pointing towards God, the prayers I've sent up my entire life and the words He speaks to me during my silent moments and meditation.

I recall an encounter with a relative, I mentioned it briefly in an earlier post, and I asked "Do you believe God answers prayers?" And the look I received would have killed me if possible. I then said something about "Jesus just answered my prayer" and I was asked to leave their home. The hurt I felt in that moment I can't even put into words, yet I realized, that feeling is often how I feel when I am with others. It's as if my joy is sucked out of me, and I don't know how to make it stop. I refuse to return to my "anti-social" ways, yet I find them extremely appealing these days. Is that wrong? I know, I know, if you have to ask it probably is. So as I end this post, which will possibly make some feel a certain type of way (but not really because the likelihood of them actually reading it is slim to none) I am satisfied with what I've shared, I feel as if its time that I take the baby gloves off and be true to my calling, whatever it turns out to be. For now it's sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences, which I now feel obligated to do truthfully from my heart without guilt or shame of hurting someone's feelings, not as a retaliation for their lack of empathy regarding my own, but to encourage someone on their path. To show that "you are not alone", sometimes you just need to know that someone understands, that they can relate to what you're experiencing. Just know, like in whatever song/rap where 2pac says "2pac cares if don't nobody else care" well I care and more importantly God cares. Be encouraged, let the tears fall, cry out to God, The Most High, Creator of The Universe and allow Him to comfort you and bring a peace that passes understanding.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Timothy 1:17 NIV)

In Jesus name, Amen.

*originally posted sometime in 2013; date changed due to editing.

Getting Over vs. Going Through

I recall posting throughout the years about seeking to be more responsible; thinking things would magically come together and I could tackle each area of my life one by one; boy, was I wrong.  Shortly after I discovered an avalanche of "trouble" and overwhelming feelings ranging from disbelief to confusion; eventually got things on track for the better.  That's usually when we take a sigh of relief and "Thank GOD, that's over".  The past few days I've had thoughts about "Getting Over" something, which to me is the lighter or "easier" way around various challenges life may bring.  I find this process takes much longer because of the amount of time denying there's anything to get over in the first place.  Then once we come to terms with the reality of the matter some may sweep it under the rug only to trip over it somewhere down the line. 

This year has shown many ups and downs for me, however this time I am seeking a deeper understanding than before.  An understanding that can only come from above.   This Summer I found myself in a totally different storm I've never experienced many of the challenges I am facing while others are all too familiar. 

As I attempt to gather my thoughts along with the "right" words I recognize the lengthy process I have when writing.  I also recognize when I am stalling for time due to insecurity or some other silly emotion which prolongs the outcome.  Then I "beat myself up" with my thoughts, suggesting I should do better;  then you have a moment or two when someone else decides to inform you of the same.  Many times when we are on the outside looking in we tend to be a bit harder on another as we may be on ourselves.  Or we may take a situation lightly because we aren't walking in those shoes,  I find actually taking the time, energy and effort necessary to go through the pains of growing can be the most difficult of all.  To seek to become a better person in a world where many can be quite difficult to tolerate can be a challenge within itself.  I am realizing times when I should be patient with myself as well as to extend that same courtesy to others.  There are plenty of sayings which come to mind, but the bottom line is "love thy neighbor"; opting to treat them the way we'd like to be treated regardless of the circumstance. 

What Now?

I've never been the type to believe that I had the ability to "change" anyone; nor do I attempt to.  I realized very early in life that my only obligation was to change, rather improve my Self.  As a perfectionist with a sheltered upbringing, I found myself quite judgmental, however I kept my judgments to my Self.  I was super critical of my thoughts, actions as well as my words.  The good thing for Others, was that I am a true introvert.  I absolutely adore the time spent with myself, just as much (if not more) than being in the company of a group.  

I don't recall what sparked in me.  Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be.  The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world".  It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never experienced before; I suppose I was longing to Live, rather than simply exist as I had been before. I moved to an area of the City that spoke to my Heart, I lived many miles away for most of my life, until I began a job in 2003 which totally opened my eyes to another way of living.  I interacted with people from various cultures, ethnicity's, etc.  and I was "in my element" as the saying goes.  That is until I attempted to turn my job into a career.  I found myself facing unexpected obstacles; the crazy part about that was, the challenges didn't come from strangers.  So rather than challenging this situation, I chose to move in a different direction.  I don't recall a lot about 2003- 2009 that I would like to share with the Blog that I haven't already; However, I will say, those were quite adventurous, emotional and trying years.  

2009- 2011 were rough for my relationships as I found myself beginning a journey I knew nothing about.  I found myself with a job that I could see transitioning into a career I'd be "happy" with.  To be honest, I was in love with my job; more so than socializing.  I worked and whatever else I chose to do with my time and suddenly I found myself unhappy.  After reflecting on the emptiness of "pouring" myself into other people's dreams, hopes, happiness, etc. yet my dreams were "on hold", I understood something(s) needed to change.  I was no longer in love with work nor my personal life; so I slept, or should I say dreamt?  I spent my private time in my dreams, visioning the life I desired to live.  While existing, I'd pray; I'd ask God to lift the burden of unhappiness.   Shortly after, I don't recall what I was watching on television, but I heard Rev Run say "go where you are celebrated; not where you are tolerated." it was in that moment that something clicked in my Mind as well as in my Heart; yet it took a little while for me to fully understand what that meant, for me.  

So here we are in 2015 and I am finally putting those words into action.  I've decided I can no longer adjust myself in order to prevent someone from exiting my life.  I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for Others in a way in which I do not feel it being returned.  I feel as if I am alone, actually lonely.  A feeling I've honestly never felt before in my life, until now.  I feel betrayed and abandoned, but I've kept that to myself up until recently; only disclosing that information to my therapist.  In recent weeks, perhaps months I found myself transitioning from introvert to hermit and knew I needed to make some adjustments once again.  Trouble is, I don't mind so much; being a hermit that is.  I find not depending on anyone else has made me stronger yet also exposes various weaknesses.  I am unsure if this is actually the case or a delusion my mind has convinced me of.  I am on the verge of an Anxiety Attack, and I feel it may be rather intense so I've been pushing it down for as long as I can.  I don't want to experience it, especially by myself.  So I've been distancing myself from people I feel are "wrong" for this aspect of my journey.  I feel as if the unsupportive, uncaring and self-serving people I was once surrounded by are no longer a part of my life.  I feel as if at this stage of my disorder I have reconnected with a part of myself that I've long forgotten, a part that (possibly) would've protected me from suffering from the initial Anxiety Attack and prevented the conditions I face today.  Although, I am quite sure this was unpreventable; as the Doctor's have stated various times, some people are prone to various conditions, disorders and issues.  But I like to think that had I been more focused on self-preservation I would've detected the danger before walking blindly into it.

As I attempt to make better decisions and dig myself out of the space I feel myself in, I am looking forward to those "right" things which are expected to happen.  I am working on a couple books as well as another website, I am in no rush to complete them as I feel the directions are developing and I want to make sure that I am truly happy with the finished products.  I think maybe this is why this happened to me.  I hate feeling like a "victim" however I won't go into detail about what caused me to develop these disorders and conditions, but I will say that it was beyond my control which makes the suffering far worse than if this had been something that I've dealt with my entire life.  So I am extremely selective with the people and places I chose to spend my time with.  Making sure to remain as much in control as possible however finding a balance in the unknown.  I am scared; but I see a future that perhaps I was destined to live.  I feel as if I should advocate for Mental Health issues, especially in the Black community.  I don't even know where to begin other than sharing my experiences, but I suppose that's where the book comes in (details to come).  I feel as if we need to get past the prescription of "faith" and "prayer" in order to overcome serious chemical imbalances which are expressed differently depending on the condition and chemical make-up on the person effected as well as the various medications prescribed which may make matters worse.  I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know a flawed system when I see one.

As someone who battles mental illness I feel as if it is much deeper than a prayer for healing, as we all know "faith without works is dead." therefore along with having the faith to endure the excruciating effects of mental illness it is also imperative to take necessary action to manage your well-being, whether with medication, natural remedies, along with a healthy spiritual life that assists with making the days better; which is different for each of us dealing with our own specific disorders and methods of "healing".  I believe I can make some sort of difference, even if it's just showing someone that they are not alone in how they feel or what they may be experiencing.  My goal through the book is to possibly prevent what has happened to me from happening to someone else, even if it's just one person.  I feel a renewed sense of focus now that the medications are leaving my body, although I can tell the effects on my brain, I am determined to protect myself on a level I had not considered before, knowing that I must shield myself from various elements, circumstances as well as people as they are not conducive to my well-being.  Perhaps I've outgrown them or the level of need and care for myself has developed in a way I had not imagined before.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have to take control of my Self (mind, body and soul) as d'evils are attempting to damage my Being the same way it has damaged my brain; one thing I can not allow to happen and one thing I am devoted to fixing.  I suppose time will tell and until then I will do everything within my power to do what's in my best interests from now on.  I suppose I've had a moment of clarity.

Tears Won't Fall

I don't cry (often); I've mentioned that before in previous posts, however for the past week I've been trying to cry.  My eyes are watery and a tear or two has escaped, but not the out pour that I need to occur.  After more research or should I say, investigation, I can now prove that this unwanted weight is a direct side effect from the medication I was prescribed.  Of course there will be no apology, and to be honest what good would it do anyway.  I spent the beginning months of this year ruling out pregnancy which of course triggered emotions I wasn't expecting, but once that was finally ruled out I attempted to change eating habits as well as fitness routines all to no avail.  Now here we are half way through the year and the truth is discovered.  I was right, so why do I feel so hopeless and depressed?

I've had several "lectures" ranging from someone really close to me to people overstepping their boundaries to tell me to "push back from the table" as if I ate my way into this state of Being.  Which of course triggered some emotional eating, as I've mentioned before on the Blog I battle that from time to time.  Rather than explaining myself to people who've already passed judgement upon me and what they think I'm going through, I've chosen to distance myself.  The part that truly pissed me off more than anything was: as the symptoms continue to reveal themselves I've let all of my Doctor's know every step of the way and what did they do? One Doctor simply increased the dosage of the medication which caused the issues in the first place and the second Doctor recently prescribed another Anxiety medication which upon research has all of the same exact side effects of the previous prescription...

To say I am fed up with the way Mental Health is treated would be an understatement! I will not disclose all of the conditions/ issues I battle however if left in the hands of my Doctor's I would be on medication for Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Nausea as well as Migraines; going from two medications to nearly 5 or more; a lifestyle I refuse to enter.  For years I watched someone very close to me battle with various conditions which required medication and from one thing to another I witnessed the increase in prescriptions from the major issue to controlling the side effects of each pill.  Going into this I informed my Doctor that I refuse to live my life that way, especially if this condition is something I will battle for the rest of my life.  Since that conversation Doctor's have changed, but my sentiments have remained the same.  After my last hospitalization, due to circumstances out of my control I agreed to give the meds another try and this was the result I was hoping to avoid.  

I spent the past few days battling insomnia, sleepless nights which turn to morning, however last night was the worst.  Filled with vomiting and various pains, it took everything in me not to call the paramedic or go to the hospital; I am afraid of what that may trigger.  Adding more stress to an already stressful, unhappy and challenging situation.  In May 2015 I decided I would discontinue my meds and begin detoxing, so I chalked it up to the possibility of the remains of the medications leaving my body and I'd just suffer through it unless it continued.  I feel slightly better, knowing that what I suspected, not quite from the beginning, but once it was crystal clear that I was not with child and I was not simply over-endulging I feel a slight sigh of relief.  Trouble is, I don't know what to do from this point.  I don't know how to reverse the damage done to my body and I feel guilty for once again allowing various things within my control to effect me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I want to cry and stay in bed, but that solves nothing.  I intend to speak with my therapist as well as the psychiatrist which prescribed the last meds.  I feel as if I now have to research alternatives which will be more in the scope of my best interests.  Honestly, if I have to I'll choose "skinny and crazy" over "fat and stable" all day.  I know that may seem superficial, but when you battle Severe Depression, body image can be rather damaging and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin any longer.

For those of you who battle mental health, I am not suggesting that you go off your meds.  Your plan of treatment is between you and your health care provider(s).  Nevertheless, what works for me or what I am willing to do for my health and the way I see myself is solely my right as well as my decision.  So I will discuss a more natural approach to coping with my mental health conditions which for me includes medicinal marijuana which according to the Doctor's isn't good for treating such conditions although various (reputable) studies have proven otherwise.  I know I can not do this alone, especially choosing the route less encouraged by modern medicine, however I know what's best for me and my body; and since (according to Doctor's) I will have this condition for the remainder of my life I am determined to look and feel as best as I can while battling it.  

Overloaded

“We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."

~ Paulo Coelho

Normally when I feel this way I do my best to "fall off the face of the Earth";  I often refer to it as "hibernating".  I rarely speak to anyone aside from important matters with the exception of a select few and I focus mainly on my Spirituality.  I find helpful articles or youtube videos which I believe enhance the journey I find myself on.   Providing insight or awareness to something I've thought or meditated about.  As I find myself in a space of uncertainty and unhappiness, I am unsure what to do to pull myself out of this rut (for lack of a better word).  Although I've always been an introvert and found that focusing on myself (mind, body and spirit) is the only way for growth, I am having a difficult time these days.  I joked recently on my twitter regarding the torment of a writer and how the mind of a non-fiction writer must be pure hell.  I am finding myself in that space;  although I have committed to my writing, I am having a difficult time with my thoughts.  In the past I'd allow them to flow freely and they usually land in an euphoric space of desire and wonderment.  However, as of late I find myself filled with stress and uncertainty, to the point where eczema has taken ahold of my left arm from my elbow to my fingertips.  I try not to dwell on the conditions I find as a result of the Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, but on some days it's a bit tougher than others.  Especially when I find myself being pressured into things I know in my heart I am not ready for.

Recently in several conversations I was advised that the only way to overcome is to actually go through the challenge, face the fears and embrace the Light in times of Darkness.  As I find myself in that exact space between fear and trusting GOD and the Universe to make a way for me; I often wonder how I will come out on the other side of these struggles.  I am confident that I will obtain my weight loss goals as I embrace the issues of body image, genetics and eating habits, I can imagine myself being the "size" and shape that I desire.  I believe the changes I am making (especially as we begin a new Month at the height of a Full Moon) will catapult my efforts, making way for results and progress to show.  I am looking forward to "the glow" of cleansing/ detoxing, I know it's coming, however I know I must also be patient; as I did not find myself in this state overnight, it is beyond unrealistic to expect to see results overnight.  I've taken photograph's of myself and I look forward to documenting my journey, although I have chosen to keep that aspect private. One thing I am truly looking forward to is beginning College (again).  I feel as if the growth and development I've undergone during my hiatus will be in my best interest, seeing how I am much more focused as well as determined to complete the goals I've set for myself.  Along with sense of accomplishment and pride; knowing that it is another step towards future goals as well as a vision manifesting.  I intend to disclose more about it when I feel the time is right, but for now I am excited.

I've decided to take a slight intermission from the World as I am getting my shit together and spending most of my energy focusing on my needs.  Along this journey of healing I find that self-care and self-love are essential to maintaining a clear understanding of where the disorders begin and end. I'm learning which thoughts and feelings are induced by medication and which are my own.  There's a specific type of clarity that comes with detaching from the meds and actually spending the time and energy to cope naturally; at least from my experience.  Then the thought of "coping" through life begins to sink in and send me to a space of depression. I won't go into that right now, maybe in another post, for now the concept is too large for me to fully comprehend.  Days like today I'd wish things were as they used to be, I find myself longing for a "home" that no longer exists as well as a life and social engagements that will never be the same (for me); especially as the "holiday"  approaches.  Since I have plans, I've decided to spend the day getting myself together (emotionally, mentally as well as physically) and leave these thoughts on the page and let them go.

Wishing you all a Happy & Safe Independence Day!

Habits

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perhaps towards the end of last year actually.  I've been fighting a feeling which has shown itself to be a bad habit for me.  I made the decision to detach and allow my feelings the opportunity to process and heal, unaware of the void it would create in my writing.   I am unsure how to patch the location of my heart which is now missing. In the past I would have written about it, now I feel as if I am allowing the memories to fade, as if the experience never occurred.  So writing about it, would only further my torment.  

During meditation this afternoon I had a thought, wondering how I know if I am following the right "journey". With decisions and circumstances I find my life a bit derailed from the picture I painted prior to the diagnoses and effects of the disorders.  Often times I am faced with some of my worst fears/ nightmares and as I pray and navigate through what I believe is the right way for me, I find myself deeper and deeper in an abyss.  At times I don't know which way to sanity while other times I am confronted by such harsh realities I find comfort in my tears and happiness in sleep.  I suppose as the journey continues I'll know in the end as I continue to course correct my journey which prayerfully leads to the dreams I have come to hold dear to my heart.

5 Drafts

Due to various (personal) health issues I've decided to keep matters private; although I drafted the thoughts I thought it would be best to keep them to myself.  At times that's where the challenge lies,  seeing how the Blog is personal in nature and "detailing" my "growth";  I often times struggle with the amount of information about myself I'd like to share.  I also deal with the issue of the narrative; making sure I'm not solely venting or over-sharing (you know how much I hate that).  Not to mention various topics I've refused to discuss online.

This past few months have been strange.  I don't know how much detail I'd like to go into, nevertheless, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss in the midst of the disorders, disappointments, conditions, issues and the like.  That's the struggle; imagine being happy yet sad or overwhelmed yet bored.  It's quite complex and confusing, especially as I attempt to navigate through my Mind, Emotions, Thoughts and Feelings all by my lonesome.  

With Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression along with other conditions, issues, and such I find myself struggling (often) to maintain happiness and sanity.  I am in an unfamiliar phase of my journey.  It hurts, it's enlightening as well as challenging.  Recently, I found myself reflecting on some thoughts and realized how much I've transformed my thought pattern.  It's been roughly a year and four months since I've seen a therapist aside from a few group meetings I am able to meet up with from time to time.  So far I've been utilizing the techniques learned through my therapy sessions when I was first diagnosed in 2012.  Trouble is, they aren't quite as effective as they were in the beginning stages of the "illnesses".   I recently found myself depressed.  Until now, I've chosen not to discuss it often; until the other day when I had a thought; although my intention is not to change anyone,  I do realize that others find encouragement, inspiration, etc. from my experiences with similar situations.  I thought to myself, is it delusional to primarily focus on the positive while avoiding the "low's" of life?

Then I run across various articles with the hopes to find comfort or soothing from the words of the author, yet find myself disappointed by the narrative.  I find that a lot of people who write about Mental Illness write from a tone that does not serve me.  Perhaps it is my Hyper-Sensitivity? I don't know, a day or two ago I read an article about curing Social Anxiety which brought up a condition referred to as Childhood Emotional Neglect; after finishing the article I began to question the writer's desired outcome for those who deal with those complex issues.  Then I thought, why am I looking for someone to write my thoughts regarding my experience?

Good News, as of last week therapy is on the horizon; another issue I can't really discuss.  In the past I'd leave the drafts in the box for other reasons, this time I don't completely know why I am choosing not to share.  I've been reading a lot, especially regarding the illnesses I have and I have been extremely frustrated with the "cookie-cutter" approach to Mental Illness.  Not that I have become an expert: however, dealing with mental illness daily opposed to studying mental illness for Education are quite different.  Especially seeing how each individual copes with various things differently.  In writing about my experience as well as reading various texts, articles, etc. I find myself wanting to write my book.  I haven't begun the draft, yet I have a title and a special journal I've decorated and will begin when I feel the time is right.  To my surprise the thought of starting sparked something.  I am looking forward to the process yet a bit nervous for the outcome, guess that's where faith and patience comes in.  Since I am in no rush, I intend to take my time and really put together something that I am proud and excited to share outside of Blogging.

In the meantime, I am going through the drafts and selecting which to delete and which to complete and share.  I know I've said this countless times in previous posts, but I'd like to say once again; Thank you for taking the time to read the Blog and correspond in various ways.  I feel as if I am not in this alone since I know there are those of you out there who express care, concern and empathy for the posts I have chosen to share as well as various social media outlets.  I pray you find yourself in a pleasant space with loving energy despite circumstances and/or situations beyond our control.

Until next time... Love

My Meds & I...

When I take the medication as prescribed it confuses my emotions; I'm either aloof or an (internal) emotional roller coaster and I get tired of that. I feel my depression meds aren't strong enough and I'm still anxious although I have meds for that too. 

Although I haven't had many anxiety attacks since beginning them in 2012, I feel as if I'm always on edge and need a gazillion techniques just to overcome each day. This helps on the "normal" days, but the bad days are pure hell. Keeping that to myself (probably) makes it worse, which is why I decided to share. 

I'm taking a break from my meds now and although my attitude (at times) may be (insert whatever here) that's when I feel like myself (pre-illness) and for brief intervals I'm fine with that.