I'm one of those people who's "always in my head", I believe it's from being an only child. Well, not completely, an only child who was also sheltered and overprotected. I often resented being the only one "forced" into a relationship with my grandmother. I was extremely jealous of how the others were free to come and go and deal with her when they felt like it.
I felt rejected by my mother so I embraced someone who would have loved to take her place, her sister. My aunt and I have a special bond, even when we aren't speaking I know she sends me good vibrations and wants the best for me (most of the time). I think our biggest issue is that in a lot of ways we are very much alike however in the ways we differ it can be too hard to accept, add to that we are two Capricorn's with similar challenges. Growing up I felt as if the bond we had and the view of my reality did not match. I spent a lot of Saturdays with her and her son, she took me back to school shopping, came to "straighten out" a P.E teacher who picked on me when I was in middle school. She was also the one who took me for mani/pedi dates and hair appointments, like when I was trying to take care of my hair myself and fell victim to hair gel. She took me to weekly hair appointments and did everything necessary to make sure my hair grew back healthy and strong. She was the mother I didn't have, yet some of the key lessons in life were overlooked. So I eventually embraced the role of taking care of my grandmother.
It was just the two of us, and we had the greatest times. But only when it was just us, whenever some/everyone else came around I was pushed to the side. I guess when you rarely see someone and they finally pay attention to you, it's easy to take for granted those who are always there. So I began to hate holidays, I'd dread when everyone came around because in that space everyone was more important than me. So I found a way to take the power back, I'd stay in my room. I'd make sure to eat before everyone came and my room was always next to the bathroom so I'd rarely HAVE to go out and if I did, it wasn't very far and no one would notice. Eventually they would come to me, one by one or as a group. Now I'm important again, this reminds me of 48 Laws of Power; Law 8:
Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary
When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards.
So now everything was on my terms, I could hear everyone's conversation from the other room and I could tell when they decided to "check on me", I also had the advantage of knowing the feeling/agenda associated with the person who was willing or forced to come as well as if a group was necessary. On occasion I would actually come out of my room and interact, I figured I'd shake things up from time to time so I wouldn't become predictable.
Over the years the dynamic has changed; my mother is around however our relationship is odd, the three of these women use their relationship with me as a strange way to hurt one another. I often feel guilty if I spend any amount of time with any of them, so I distance myself from all three. It came to my attention that I only visit my grandmother now if she is in the hospital, I also understand that when she wants attention she finds some reason to go there and of course select few or everyone will gather together to shower her with the attention she seeks. Recently, I got a call from my mother stating that my grandmother was in the hospital and she needed me to pick her up. Of course I wouldnt say no, so once I get there she's fine, all smiles and wants to go to dinner. As I'm trying to speak with her nurse to find out what's going on my grandmother continues to interrupt, doing her best to keep her issues secret. I dont know why she tries it, because that doesnt work when it comes to me. Later she tells my mom about how I took her to dinner, failing to mention that I just ordered food and she paid for it. But, why would she disclose that? There's no jealousy created if she told the entire truth. So now my mother is going on and on about when I'm going to spend time with her, however she has yet to take an interest in my current health issues, she doesnt call to check on me or think of my well being. If/when she calls or texts, its to harrass me about why she hasnt heard from me or when am I going to come see her. Never taking the time to think of what I may need or to say "hey, I know you're dealing with a lot, how about I come over and cook or watch a movie" lol that would be too much like a REAL mother-daughter relationship I guess.
The part that does sadden me a bit is the fact that my grandmother does spend so much time alone, I guess it would be a bit easier if I wasnt one of the few people who spent time with her. Although she can be a lot to deal with, its best in small, frequent doses that way she doesnt resort to manipulation and other outragous antics. I am learning to develop very different relationships with these women however sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, they will never be satisfied as if I belong to them only and I am being disloyal by spending time with the woman who gave birth to me, the one who raised me, or the one who was my best friend for so many years. So although it would be nice to have relationships with them, I find it easier for me and this anxiety to keep my distance.
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