Hopes of Sunshine

3rd eye massages followed by intense Brain stimulation; only obtained by a deep mental connection.  

Our vibe chills the air; filling the silence with sounds of our breath under the sparkle of the Stars; and the shine of the Moon.

Breathtaking silence.

Interrupted by the sound of thoughts so divine, they must be shared.

Pink Mountains

I'm in my cave; it looks unfamiliar as i haven't been here in quite some time.

I've been away.

Honestly, I didn't expect to return.

Then I think, what if my domain is the same? However, my eyes have changed.  The three of them seem to be more in harmony than before.

Realizing what matters as well as what may need a better or perhaps alternate perspective/ understanding.

Chocolate Kisses

the brightness of the Sun
blending with the warmth of your Soul

the Brain can not comprehend
the flow of Love
and the depth in which it is to be understood

yet the Heart knows
and feels the expressions
because it knows of
Harmony and Dedication
like no other.

Check In: "Hello"

Thought I'd check in and say a quick "Hello"; like many of you, I have been busy with the typical end of year errands.  However, thankfully I've also had many opportunities to write as well as lose myself in thoughts for various spaces (i.e.: the books, future posts, etc.).

I am a bit excited to share the new expressions, I've been making a conscious effort to be more detailed in my writing.  Hopefully allowing you to see a vivid picture of the vision/ visual I attempt to create.

Blessings.

Venus on Display: Vulnerability Pt. 2

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again.

That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in check", yet from moment to moment I can swim in and out of Love.  I float though despair and fight to find myself gliding into a space of helpfulness in addition to hopefulness.  

I've decided to spend the past few days putting the needs of others in place of my own, not in a way of lack or being less than, but out of a space of finding my true nature, which I believe was buried by various "issues" of my past.  Issues I am fighting hard to overcome as well as end the cycle which leads to unhappiness. Even in writing currently, I am choosing not to focus on the past; rather looking forward to the bright future I can see from my dreams.  

Randomness

my mind dipped
oozing of chocolate
and the aroma
of vanilla and lavender

fueled by the intense desire
to Love where it can be showered
with passion and honesty

feeling whole
reunited with the Divine

Currently...

The pen moves in my hand like music; feeling the harmony from within searching her soul for meaning along with hidden insights from other dimensions.  6d or 7d radiating throughout my entire being.  Experiencing the elements of Earth along with those from Galaxies existing in the distant future; returning to memory as if they were handcrafted just for my desire.

Leading to thoughts of the Here- After.  Not the last time, but the first time death met me.  Understanding the portal of choice was to discover my soul'd deepest, darkest, most intimate space in which to give.

Untitled...

The purple and blues mix together like lips intertwined for the first time

Now your hands trace my skin as you would a velvet comforter

The room spins and I'm in your arms, or is it Heaven?

The deep ripples of the waves remind me of your fingers intangled in the succulent curls of my hair

Then I feel your energy and become engulfed into your aura

Beaming from within, I begin to feel the intense Love from the Universe and know that all is okay; today.

Peach Skies

The energy is fluid
The vibe is real
The feelings are under control; for now

Then the sky changed and turned into a burst of color!

The silhouette of the Mountains render me speechless

Until the thoughts flood my mind as if being kissed by the Divine

3rd eye beaming
inviting only Love inside

No Filter

"…But the human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief."

- from 48 Laws of Power; Law 4, Always Say Less Than Necessary

I recall when I was in my 20's (especially), I used to "pop off" at the mouth (easily); always "just sayin".  There was one night in particular where I was out with a friend and friends of hers, at a club and this random guy was a bit too touchy and ungentlemanly for my taste. Well, after I'd had enough (which didn't take long), I started talking all types of shit.  I wish I could remember the exchange, but it's neither here nor there at this point.  Anyway, had things escalated it would've been a situation of "when keeping it real goes wrong".... Over the years I've learned to control my self a lot better.  In that situation I (try my best to) defuse the situation before it gets too out of hand and inform people about my "issues", "disorder(s)" and phobias long before anything inappropriate takes place.  Notice I didn't say I've mastered it (lol).  However I am still making an effort to eliminate the useless chatter and nonsense conversations (as best as I can).  

As I've made this effort, I've gotten into two verbal confrontations with two associates; who I had thought would develop into friendship.  I've said this before on the Blog, but I've noticed some people love everything you say to them as long as they agree or it is a stroke to their ego in some way.  However, unpopular opinions and simple disagreements seem to bring out the worst; which is why I've made an active effort to keep my opinions to myself (unless asked or necessary).  After the first altercation and a few other interactions I awoke soon after with the thought to brush up on the book "48 Laws of Power" by Robert Green.  I'll keep my opinion(s) about this book to myself, however if you haven't read it, I'd advise you to pick it up and flip through and see how you "feel" about it (for yourself).  

For me, I took the approach of gathering information and processing it through my specific agenda for it's use as well as filtering the narrative through my thoughts, beliefs and such. Funny thing (for me) is with certain combinations of medication, along with my level of awareness and the "human" challenges, I am finding that my "filter" and conviction(s) regarding certain types of treatment and/or conversations; I feel "forced" to speak up, typically for myself and in some cases for anOther who may not have a "voice" for whatever reason.  I am noticing how some are able to have a passionate discussion and hear all perspectives while others; not so much.  I am learning to walk away, say my farewell or steer clear; as I am trying to master what comes out of my mouth along with the things that I choose to share via social media.

Which leads me to my next venture; YouTube.  I haven't decided how I would like to use the channel, but I will do my best to learn as much as I can in an attempt to connect with you all as well as express some thoughts which may come out better with a voice attached as opposed to leaving the words on a page.... Time will tell.

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 1

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.  

I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the journey I find myself on.  As I was in the mist of "Mental Health Awareness" Week, I was very aware that this assignment did not just happen to correspond with exact Spiritual and Natural, core-changing experiences in my life.  I know I typically don't speak in detail about my religious Spiritual beliefs, however the doctrine(s) I identify with are that of Seventh-Day Adventist as well as Apostolic/ Pentecostal faith.  In 1999, I was baptized (in Jesus name) on November 14th; it took almost a year, but in August of 2000 I received the gift of the Holy Ghost; evidence by speaking in tongues as the spirit of God gives utterance (Acts 2:4 & 38).   Along with that it was the birthday of a dear friend; my best friend actually.  I've written about him before, each time memories of his Being and our conversations brings tears to the wells of my eyes; but because of my silly issues with crying and showing vulnerability I'll let them stay until they dry, knowing they aren't allowed to fall. 


Nonetheless, to think my time away was a bit emotional would be an understatement, although I was able to push through it, I thought with all of his wisdom, encouraging words and support; what would he encourage me to do in this stage of my journey if he were here to see areas where I may be holding back.  I am deciding to allow myself the freedom to express what my heart desires and allow the "chips to fall where they may" or more like "carpe diem"!  I feel as if I have been in this position before; as a matter of fact I know I have been....

December 2007*, I'd decided the work I was doing was no longer serving me so I turned in my resignation with the plan to start my own business and begin writing a book.  It was outlined to be fictional however based on a few of the hilarious interactions I'd witness over the previous years with the people and things I found myself surrounded by.  Along with my personal "life lessons" and outlook; well I began a business and my first "client" was introduced to be through a "friend".  I poured my heart and time into a project and found myself getting "played" with some hood shenanigans.  Immediately I put the business and book on the shelf and went out to find a job.  Fast forward to present day, I find myself in the same mindset to start businesses and write books; however this time I refuse to allow any set back or set up to interfere with the vision I have or the projects in mind.  I believe on a different level this time.  I believe God gave me those ideas and various experiences keep leading me back to them, leaving me feeling that this is my opportunity (once again) to fulfill my dreams and make a difference in this World (regardless of the level of impact), even if something I've said helps one Person, even if that one Person is my Self; I am determined to take control of my destiny and not allow past experiences, current circumstances or doubts/ anxiety of the future keep me from my purpose any longer.
To be continued...

*correction

4 Drafts

As I sit here, I decided to re-read the drafts currently awaiting completion.  I've decided, they are too personal.  Part of me wishes I was able to bypass that "feeling" today, but I know that I'll only regret sharing anything prematurely.  In this moment I am both happy yet my heart feels broken; for various reasons.  So far the wine and weed (medicinal marijuana) are helping, you see I am out of medication (lol & smh).  I returned from my trip and somehow my pharmacy has difficulty filling my prescriptions (insert blank stare). You'd think there would be some type of provision for this type of circumstance; nope.  From the attitude of the staff, "no fucks" were given; thankfully and with much prayer and "alternative" approaches to Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, I did not wind up in the Hospital (again).

The level(s) of aloofness are baffling to me; the things that consume my thoughts are at times overwhelming. While other feelings and emotions are dying to be expressed;  I just want to sleep and wake up like a year from now when all the dust has settled and the "valley" of my life has been put to rest.  But of course that is not reality... I prefer the fantasy; the life in my head that I fight so hard for.  The "Happily Ever After" with my Castle on the Moons of Venus; where everything is in harmony and abundance.  Lately, everything on Earth bores me; I've seen so much through experience and I am sick to my stomach of mediocrity and injustice.  I feel as if the dreams I have in my head somehow transitioned into something altogether different, expanding what I thought was "the big picture" into something more incredible and fascinating, but I am unable to put it into words just yet, which means I don't even understand it completely.

I desire to write from my heart, my truest, deepest, most meaningful thoughts; but my fear of vulnerability hinders me at times.  This may be one of them, the depths of my emotions along with the depression is baffling and the feelings of love from within are mind-blowing.  The combination sends me to a space of tormented pleasure as my Soul feels as if it will burst and I can return to the air and somehow travel back to the Stars from which I came.  Made of Stardust and curiosity; truly a gift and a curse (depending on the day/ moment).  I think I will have a few more drinks and a lot more smoke and sort through my thoughts and the feelings; leaving enough time to meditate and pinpoint the "reason" I am entertaining deleting those posts and starting anew.  

The "space" that I am in currently feels so complex; as if I know I am not who I once was, however I am not quite at the next phase of my journey.  Stress, desire, uncertainty and the awesomeness of God along with my goals and dreams have created this level of energy and excitement that I have never experienced before. I want to sing and scream and run yet sleep all at the same damn time.  Crazy, right?  I know! hahahaha; maybe in the near future I will be able to translate these feelings into words and they will make complete sense, in the meantime I will continue to re-write and edit until I believe the expressions are ready to post. The most intriguing thing of it all is I still have a few more expressions in my head that I have yet to draft. I am praying to share before the numbers continue to increase; because that would be backwards and I have no idea what it would attract (based on principles of "The Law of Attraction"), nonetheless I also want to make sure that my words are thoughtful, meaningful and perhaps inspiring to someone who may battle an issue similar to mine or may relate in some other way.  

I pray it all comes together effortlessly as well as divinely so I have more time to concentrate on the present moment(s) along with the future of my dreams.  Notice, I'm being mindful to use positive affirmations and sayings regarding myself, my future as well as our Community here (aka "the Blog"); making use of "The Secret" in an attempt to bring about good fortune and abundance to myself as well as those of you who are reading.  I truly wish the best for you all, hoping we all attain our goals, dreams and aspirations.  While developing our skills and God-given talents and understanding.  Which brings me to the Organization I intend to develop and introduce "soon"; I'm excited as if expecting a new "baby", I am looking forward to sharing. I guess I've been a bit busy, so busy in fact that I feel like I may have too many "balls in the air" lol, then I think and pray for the strength to follow through as I've given my word and/or seen the end result (in a vision or dream) and I must do what it takes within my power to manifest them in this lifetime.

Tomorrow is another day and a step or two closer to our dreams; so I suppose I'll bid you a good night, until I Blog again.

Namaste 

Out Of The Loop

Like (almost) everyone, I anticipated the return of Winter Season programming on television; trouble came when my "faves" returned and could not hold my interest.  Without realizing it, I practically don't watch anything anymore; that is unless something comes to mind and I YouTube it.  When doing that it's mostly music or something that will provide (spiritual/ mental) enlightenment, growth and/or wisdom.  Once it came to my awareness I than took inventory on where my thoughts were and what my words and actions created. To my surprise, I had accomplished some things that were on the "back burner" for quite some time.  To say I was/am overjoyed by the amount of checks on my "to do list", I even realized how much extra time I had each day.  

During my trip to Nevada I entertained a vegetarian style of eating and actually enjoyed it; I believe I lasted about 5- 6 days and felt a difference; however due to my specific type of allergies, a "diet" of certain grains, herbs, etc. wouldn't work well with my genetic make up; so I decided to modify my current eating habits and incorporate some vegetarian dishes in the mix.  Since switching my birth control I am noticing the changes I am currently going through as a "woman of a certain age"; along with my health conditions (Anxiety Disorder and what not),  I have gotten my body completely "clean" as in free of hormones and bullshit; which shows me other areas where I may need to make some adjustments and pray for direction as well as guidance in an effort to get myself to the space I desire to be; mind, body and spirit.

To say things are easy would be a far stretch of the imagination; funny how on a particular journey, challenges seem to come out of every direction without ceasing.  I am drained and exhausted; mentally and emotionally.  However, what do you do when life is crazy yet your goals, dreams, hopes and prayers are equally as "crazy"?; if not "crazier"?  I recently re-read/ re-posted a couple expressions written in 2013 describing my need to build "my Fairytale... one brick at a time" along with "No Pity Parties Allowed".  I found it quite interesting that almost 2 years later I can still relate to those exact circumstances along with acknowledging the areas where I have grown; in addition to, areas I must improve.  Thankfully, with the knowledge and understanding gained from documentaries such as "The Secret" and books like, "The Four Agreements", I chose to look on the bright side and continue to focus on the sentiments, affections and objects of my desire; remembering to be gentle yet honest with myself to know if I had truly done "my best" or if I was choosing procrastination or some other excuse/ reason things had not been accomplished as expected.  I am pleased, nonetheless, I made a decision to "go hard(er)" and be absolutely relentless with the determination and efforts towards making my Dreams a reality.  Then guess what happened? Yep, the Universe met my expectation and put "challenges" in place which if you are aware; you'd understand that it is either an opportunity or a "set back".  With that understanding you either embrace it and allow the "issues" to propel you into greatness or frustrate you into despair; I am choosing the opportunities that are in my sights (my vision) for a future; along with how it contributes to Loved Ones as well as Our Planet and her inhabitants.  

In this moment, I am "in the feelings"; which would like to "speak", yet I make an effort not to share from that space.  However, because I have yet to secure a therapist, I think you guys may be in for a view of another "window" into my Soul, Being, Human.  (Call me crazy, but...) the concepts of "human" and "people" are still new ventures for me to learn; as an introvert, I am extremely familiar with my Self, yet I am still learning. Lately I've been more of an extrovert or perhaps a hybrid of the two.  In that I am seeing many of my personality traits and how they co-mingle with "Others"; it's quite entertaining to say the least.  With that said, I suppose this is yet another chapter for the Blog, yet a turn of the page for the Book.  To say what this chapter has thought me so far would be premature; and I have no intention of unraveling anything that's being tied up (loose ends).  So I guess I'm saying, I am looking forward to my next level of growing and I am grateful for you all to be on this journey along with me.  It means a lot to know that we are supporting one anOther and challenging ourselves to stretch our visions, goals, dreams and understanding; in an effort to contribute to the "Greater Good".  I am humbled as well as honored to know that I am not alone on this Earth; although it feels that way much of the time.  I don't know if that's the Severe Depression speaking or if it's a legitimate feeling; so I took a moment and thought about it which sparked thoughts of other expressions to share.  

It is not my intention to change the direction of the Blog; however I have wanted to be a bit more open about my Self as well as the Struggle(s) and Battles; I have experienced plus the ones that are an every Day fight.  I hope to continue on the path chosen for me and your support inspires me to do more; Be more.  Striving to be the best Kamille I am able to be.

Thank you! I Love You all for your support and willingness to share in the transformation I am undergoing.

Namaste

Last Words

If the last words (you spoke/ wrote/ thought) in regards to yourself or an Other were in fact the last words ever spoken; how would you feel? 

Playing with Words

In simplicity I am nurtured by the calmness of the Divine and her Lover... the Universe. Selah.

My Lover consumes me; from my Crown and throughout the heights and depths of my Soul.

My God completes me; I am whole yet enhanced by the love I choose to believe.

Mind. Body. And Soul.

Check In: "Hi"

Initially I was hesitant to discuss this "publicly", however I am currently donating my time towards the Blog, the Books (ideas, character development, etc.), two websites and starting a Non-Profit; in addition to providing care and concern to my Self, my mental health and the needs of my Loved Ones.

I've dreamed of this for so long; it's truly a blessing to align myself with my goals, dreams, hopes, desires.. and watch them unfold. I slightly underestimated the amount of time these projects will take however I did not underestimate the love, effort and dedication they will require to come to life fully.

I am beyond excited. Happy Thursday!

Late Night Thoughts

I am currently sorting through various feelings concerning my health and over all well-being.  This time away has really allowed me to take an introspective look at my self as well as my goals, hopes and dreams.  I feel an intense desire to work hard as well as smart to ensure my life is designed exactly as my God and I are creating.  

The other day I decided to watch "The Secret" again, to my surprise I truly understood why I'd incorporated many of the practices taught in that documentary; and to say the ones I've consistently made my best effort to observe have been successful.  In more than a few areas of my life; helping me to see clearly the areas which still need a bit of care and improvement.  I begun an expression to share with the Blog a few days ago as a follow-up to "Venus on Display" and "Venus on Display: "Trust Issues, Thirst Traps and Guilt Tripping", yet each time I dive a bit deeper into my Self, I tend to pause and need a moment to re-group.  At times I've felt as if the words weren't quite what I had in my heart to share.  I feel as if I should be willing to bare my soul and open my self to the words on the page; allowing them to express exactly what I have in my mind.  Yet when speaking in vulnerable terms there's the fear, I suppose you can call it that; or perhaps uncertainty.  In how the words will be received, not in an insecure way; more on the lines of using the words as my form of art and allowing the creative juices to flow and the nervousness of how my expressions will be received.  Not to mention the fact that I am working on several "dreams" and more goals than I can keep up with at times.  Funny thing is, I still find time for friends, family, hobbies and "other".

Yesterday I felt exhausted, however I haven't quite finished my "to do" lists for the remainder of the week as well as some preparing for a few surprises that I am looking forward to sharing with you all.  About a month ago I joked with a couple of friends and suggested I may restart my 30s because I wasn't pleased with a few of the years in the very beginning.  After a little consideration, I'm thinking that is actually a great idea! I feel as if I need a refreshing in order to accomplish things according to plan as well as allow myself to have a bit of fun.  Dealing with anxiety disorder for the past two years has taken it's toll, yet I find strength and endurance in my faith and belief in my God; Jesus, knowing that "all things work together for the good..."

To be continued. 

Happy 1111!

I am super excited about the writing I've been doing as well as what I have in mind to share.  I am enjoying my Journey thusfar and I'm currently on my way to enjoy a hike followed by whatever the Day brings.  Just wanted to touch basis with you all and wish you a very happy 1111!

I intend to share more, but until then.... Love.

Good Morning, Sunshine!

I awoke this Morning feeling rested and excited for this journey to "officially" begin.  The past couple of days have been priceless; catching up with Loved Ones and meeting the new additions; from first sight I knew they are Beautiful Souls.  My Heart melted.

Beginning today I am focusing on an area of my Being that I only discuss with my Doctors and friends on a "need to know" basis.  Well, I suppose I've decided to share in the hopes to bring awareness and perhaps prevention to anOther.

My tummy is at one of it's worse states of Being, as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) has taken over.  Little does it know, Cleansing, Lifestyle changes as well as my commitment to "Team Fitness" are about to take over!

Pray my strength, endurance and healing.
Namaste

Red Park

There's a blanket, fruit and wine.
It's set under the play yard.
Obscured by slides and other play things.
Although we don't notice any of it.

The Sun sets and the Sky changes in such majestic colors; filling the air with love and desire.
We talk and touch as we await the Moon.

Once darkness falls our clothes disappear as if they were powered by Sunlight.
We admire one another as our shadows and the sound of our breathing echoes in the Night air. Followed by the love we will express as our breath and bodies become One.

Orange Skies

My body craves you as I stare into the colors of the Autumn Sky. The rich reds, pinks, purples, blues and orange, entice my senses and I can only imagine our bodies intertwined. Your hands roaming the softness that is my skin while my tongue trace your Manhood. Both searching to quench the thirst that has become of our lust. Or perhaps it's love; in its most primitive form. As I feel like a Cave Woman awaiting Man to come from his fights with the beasts of the land looking for yet another to conquer. 

He enters, grabbing my hair with a hand on my neck and then loosening the grip of my hair in exchange for caressing the body; knowing I belong to only Him. Smelling of delicious sweat and sweet desire we become One, creating passionate sounds and enticing scents that only lovers could create. Our auras glow in the darkness, maybe under the Stars or in the secret places He finds for us. Abandoning reality and all that's left is the Beautiful Fantasy written underneath an Orange Sky. 

Galaxy of Love

Not long after "Strawberry Kisses" I shared the story with a friend who'd often expressed that I had become her "woman crush"; however due to her circumstances I'd always thought she was playing. Well, I learned shortly after that how serious she was. 

One night after getting the "hood" of my clit pierced we were chilling, drinking 151 Rum; straight (if memory serves me correctly). So she began to share how she was hurt and always fantasied/ thought that she'd be my first. Before things got too emotional her significant other changes the subject back to my piercing; I don't remember who asked, but show and tell was requested. Next thing I know tongues are exploring my clit, piercing and pussy. The sensations were like nothing I'd ever experienced. Before I lost myself in the ecstasy and Rum I decided to make my exit. 

She drove me home, but made sure to "69" in the back seat before she allowed me to leave (lol). Our relationship lasted about 6 months of teaching, exploring as well as being Loved and in Love. However, I left that 151 alone. 

Good Morning! Saturday, October 25, 2014

listened to my "secret" playlist and allowed the music and teachings to saturate my subconscious as well as encourage my Dreams & Goals. 

awoke to confirmations and revelations... about to "break fast" with my vision board, business plans, journals and that good in my bowl. 

thanking and praising God for waking me this morning with my mind right and better mood(s). all glory to the Most High 👋🙏🙌

Strawberry Kisses

My first time with "Girls, Girls, Girls". 

Our initial interaction was based on the fact that she was "auditioning" girls to join her and her boyfriend. As she was honest in her description I let her know I wasn't interested in participating; however she and I could become friends and see what developed. She agreed :)

I don't recall the details of her next contact, so I'll fast forward a bit... She let me know that she was with her "best friend" and asked if I wanted to hang out. Upon arrival the mood was delightful; and her friend was an Ebony Eyed beauty!  Drinks, smoke, music and candlelight; the three of us had the most amazing encounter I could've imagined. 

After that experience I knew, no "flings"... Relationships only (with girls that is *giggle*). 

To be continued....

Random Thoughts

My wings want me to fly away

My feet says run as fast as you can

My heart beats in sync with the cadence of your voice

My head reassures me; truly, madly... Deeply. 

Feathers & Flips: The Wrong Ones

"Don’t leave my Ocean for shallow Waters then ask me about the Moon." ~ Dream Hampton

I can feel you attempting to summons me; like you've always done. If you can't tell, I'm ignoring you!  

I've written about it before, however I find myself in a completely different level of bullshit that I refuse to entertain. I've decided to address it/ them so it's known that "I'm Real". 

Feathers: Angry Birds, Pigeons & Chickenheads

Some of your last words to me were "this isn't friendship; this is business." you made no effort to help in my time of need after all the advice, interventions and loyalty shown to you. You betrayed me on a level I've never known; getting over that was to me what I imagine it would be like to end an abusive marriage. Then to put the nails in the coffin, you said as a final remark, "go to your family and get a husband because I've already found mine".... Let's not forget, you got rings with my input and relationship guidance (also your own words). In that moment you died in my head and in my heart. You've been blocked; yet you still pop up on every social media outlet just to get blocked again. Let me guess, you must need my help... Shocking! (Catch the sarcasm). 

I've made peace with the loss, grieved and mourned the "friendship" that sunk long ago. It sunk when you assumed that my assistance, care and concern was a co-sign to the bullshit you continuously find yourself in. Once I realized you never got to know me; you just assumed we were the same type of "bird" rather than seeing that my wings and abilities are vastly different. As you've stated we are not friends; clearly, we never were and I'm not interested in anymore "poor investments". 

Flips: Outdated Communication & Devices

Your old tactics won't work this time. Did you ask, why? Let's start with the fact we don't speak well together. The things you've expressed to my face and what you say when my back is turned are altogether different. And due to my tolerance level and high anxiety you've been blocked as well. This is to you "habitual line crossers"; you know who you are. You check my Facebook and/or ask about me yet won't make amends or change your backbiting, gossiping ways. I've dealt with it long enough and "I'm good", on it, on you, on the foolishness. Call me what you want, my feelings never mattered anyway so carry on. Just know you can't carry me with you this time. The sabotage and unnecessary criticism doesn't affect me the same anymore. So thank you, for showing me an area to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. 

I doubt I'll give this anymore of my energy; that is until it's time to expound within the pages/ chapters of the Book. Nevertheless, I thought to write and tell you to keep your thoughts, feelings, words and energy to yourself (your selves) and towards the one(s) you chose. 

I'm where I want/need to be and I thought you were too. The choice was yours. Live with it! 

Morse Code

Have you ever used your sense(s) to give instructions to your body?

When God is the conductor of your moment(s), experience(s)... Life; the music plays so beautifully. 

Urgent Lika Mutha...

Right now

I need you

Between my ears

In my thoughts

Assuring me that...

"All is well".

Right now

I want you

Inside my Heart

Beating with me

Syncing our vibe

And securing our bond.

Right now

I'm wondering

Why aren't you here?

Where have you been?

And most importantly, how can I get you back into the space where we are One?

Right now

i love you. 

*written on October 19, 2014 @ 3:21pm

Vampire Nights; Black Moon

I wish you knew what you truly mean to me. 

I'd honestly hate to "see" you out of my life. 

I'm sure you'll do great, I just know, or should I say... I believe my expressions are unmatched. 

Loving and fucking unknown to the average "human" Being. My desire runs though my veins like Vodka; or Rum; made by the Jamacian Priestess I once was. 

Perhaps you put a spell on me. 

There's a thought! As I have become consumed by you. Fiending like a junkie awaiting my next "hit". 

I need it right now; I think more than my next breath. 

Inland Empress

I've been to the East many times before, however never in this capacity. Everything appears the same as I remember, yet there's something altogether different this time. The Sky I adore is the same, but the Stars are brighter and the weather remains neutral; while the Sun and Moon battle to display their altered states of Being in this foreign land. 

In some ways I expected the experience to be the way it has and on other days I long to return to the Sea. The Shore gives me hope of endless possibilities, and a bit of intrigue as at times I debate taking an anchor and returning to my Mermaid Life. Then I remember the Ones I'd leave behind, along with the Ones who would actually notice and care that I was no more. So I embrace this place called Earth; Lightyears from "Home" and plot to build the Empire I see in my memories. Rediscovering ways to intertwine the lives I left behind, my newfound fantasies, along with this reality. All with the knowing that I am co-creating with the Most High. 

That thought releases feelings of peace and assurance as I know, my God will grant the desires of my Heart. I then have thoughts of flying through the Galaxy, making stops engaging in art, conversation and music leaving my Mind blown and my Heart full of wonder and amazement. Master minding alliances and creating unions, securing the strength and confidence that the Dreams in my Head are simply blueprints to the purpose I was sent to establish and understanding I must succeed. 

The challenge comes with the knowing that this path is unique for me. I don't think I've ever been a woman before, nor been this deep in my Mind or emotions. At times I get scared and thoughts try to convince me that I should retreat or worse, surrender. Neither are options, as stated in "Sometimes The King Is A Woman", if I perish; I perish. This time I'll add, if I perish know I went fighting this battle; that has become my mission for this Lifetime

Pink Clouds; Hidden Moon

Your brown eyes dance when they meet mine. 

Your delicate hands and tiny feet are quite adorable on your petite frame. 

The roundness of your cheeks and curve of your smile send me to a Space in my mind where "Beautiful" resides. 

Soft waves, deep curls or bone straight; the hair captivates me. 

The way in which you adorn your self reminds me of our first Christmas; sparkling and unexpected. 

Your soft lips caress my hand and I only wish they were attached to some one else, so I could truly experience them against mine. 

The delimma of Loving you and realizing I'm simply Loving me. 

Lilac Moon

I don't know when, where or how we'll meet.  I don't know who you are, but I know why...

I long for you; already.

The smell of your hair, the touch of your skin, your caress.  The way your body feels against mine.  The sound of your voice as we exchange ancient secrets and form new recipes of passion; leaving us both in the land of bliss.  In search of an oasis to quench our desires.

I have a suspicion once our Eyes meet you'll know it too.  You'll have a knowing; that just like I do.

you Love me; already.

Venus Take Me Away

I don't Love you; not for any of the obvious...

I admire you for your ambition. 

I cherish you for your wisdom. 

Your words inspire me. 

Your voice makes me shake deep within. 

You made me Love everything about you; effortlessly & unconditionally. 

Venus on Display: "Trust Issues, Thirst Traps and Guilt Tripping"

Love, Love, Love, Love, Love...

I know I've been basking "in Love" for quite some time now; so much so that I did not want to publish this expression.  I touched on my feelings briefly in the piece titled "Venus on Display"; as I am becoming more in tune with my Self, I am also made aware of the affects/ effects of "others" into my Space.  This was brought up due to the fact that recently I was strongly advised to compose an Advanced Directive; at that moment "shit got real!". Although I was aware of the severity of my condition(s); it wasn't until the need to put such a formal document in place that I truly understood how serious things have become.  

Enters "Trust Issues", I thought I knew what I'd do if I was put in this position, but as the saying goes, "until it happens to you...".  I took a moment and discussed things with the Man in my Life who would be "responsible" for me since I am an unmarried woman; my Dad.  Who was completely concerned, loving and supportive;  we even had the conversation regarding "my instructions", which I feel comfortable with.  The trouble comes in when this information is processed again and Anxiety and OCD joins the mix.  I only completely trust God and my self.  I know how this happened; I also understand why I am this way.  The difficult part is overcoming the desire or perhaps the need to trust some one else.  Many times I attempt to, I find myself on the unfortunate side of a "Thirst Trap".

With "Black Twitter" being what it is, I am positive we all know what a thirst trap is; however when it comes to simple emotions/ feelings excluding "lust", I feel it becomes a bit more complex than a silly notion of scantily clad imagery.  With the knowledge in mind that I can be quite hypersensitive I believe it is a despicable act to recognize a void and prey on some one for any reason.  In my experience it's always someone close to you in some way so your guard is already a bit lowered; leaving wiggle room for them and their agenda to coerce you into believing they are trustworthy, reliable, dependable, etc.  Yet every time the need arises and their "true colors" shine forth and rather than the beaming bright hue expected it's drab or dull; usually due to unwillingness, inability to produce results and/or sudden unavailability; leaving an unfortunate "taste" in ones Mind/ "mouth".  Which normally leads to "Guilt Tripping".

I've experienced two types of guilt trips that I can recall.  One where I was on the receiving end, unexpectedly.  Guilt is not an emotion that I've experienced often; aside from these occurrences.  So it was brought to my attention how I had not quite been the "mentor" that was expected.  I wont go into details (at this time), but I will say that I was forced into a "role model" position and thought I was doing enough. That is until an experience of Anxiety Attack forced (almost) everyone involved to have an honest conversation about roles, expectations and the reality of the situation.  My guilt caused me to offer a couple hugs, an apology, a promise gift and vow to "do better".  In the extremely opposite experience I was in conversation with someone who began to speak badly about a Loved One; and in the defense of the absent party, I called the person out on their bullshit.  During the conversation, everything they claimed to have been the victim of, they had done all of it and then some to me.  Needless to say, after their tears fell I was then given I guess you could call it my "inheritance" along with more (soon to be broken) promises.  I have made it a point not to judge people, especially on their inadequacies; as I don't want to be judged by mine.  However, I am a Capricorn, very much "ruled by" Saturn (lol); so I've learned to access and qualify.  From there I put the person into a category to ensure I don't fall "victim" to their "bait" again in the future.

I don't know if a person ever overcomes trust issues, especially as deeply rooted as the ones I have. Yet my hopes in writing this is first to purge and second to bring awareness.  In the past I used to delete the culprit, which then morphed into changing my number on a whim.  Now I simply don't trust that person with much, if anything more than "party & bullshit" aspects of my Life.  Unless I find them to be a repeat offender, which for my sanity, they must be blocked and/or deleted.  This switch has made a world of a difference in maintaining this new found level of Love in my life.  A love I have come to overprotect in the same way as I overprotect my Self, my Son, my privacy, which includes my Loved Ones, Family & Friends.  I will admit in my Fantasy Life, I long for the one(s) I can trust in that space and know they won't do anything to betray me.  I am not naive though, so if it happens, great! And if not; I pray it finds me in my next lifetime.

Check In: "Hello"

Happy Sabbath, Everyone!

I hope you are enjoying this Beautiful, Sunday Morning!  I've been basking in an impromptu "Staycation" (lol) allowing me to discover a love for the City; like never before.  I intend to work on a few posts (hopefully I'll be able to publish them Today :)

Also, "Hello" & "Welcome" to all of my Supporters, Well-Wishers and Friends.  I would like to say "Thank you!" for all of the kind words, care and concern.  It is truly a Blessing to know and feel that you are Loved and Appreciated.  My Heart is bursting with Gratitude.

Namaste

Lastly, for those interested in contacting me, you can do so as follows:

KingKamille3@gmail.com

Venus On Display

"Be thirsty Heart, seek forever without a rest.  Let this soundless longing hidden deep inside you be the source of every word you say" - Rumi

The other evening while working on my fitness, I thought of revisiting a form of writing I'd long abandoned.  I've written wedding vows for my self approximately three times, obviously never taking the opportunity to recite them.  I remember the first poem I wrote; my Aunt assisted me, nevertheless the poem was selected to be published in some school book, I don't recall what type; I just know it wasn't the yearbook.  This was in Junior High School.   I remember some time later I felt "some type of way" and tore up the only copy I had.  Shortly after doing so I promised my self I'd never do that again.

Is there a word stronger than "Love"?  If so that's what I feel for Venus; she's my "Planet of Love" as well as the "Love Planet" of the Universe and I adore Her.  The best part is, the sentiment(s) are mutual! She's my escape when Earth becomes too much like Mars; or worse, Hell.  Both places/ Spaces I've had more than enough of.  Venus hides me in Her mountains, valleys, rivers, oceans and at times in her Moons and Stars.  Speaking to my Soul, allowing me to cry or rejoice knowing that the Divine is with me.

I am unsure when this happened and initially I felt violated as if my Heart/ Love/ "Sweet Disposition" was put on display without my consent.  I had no time to process my thoughts, words or actions; they just morphed from "Ice Princess" to some type of Loving, Lovable, Affectionate Creature.  At times I dont always recognize "her/she/me" especially on Earth or in the light of Day.  I am not completely certain of "why?' this occurs; perhaps because aside from a literal mirror I rarely see "it" from anOther.  In my mind, the spirit or maybe essence would be a better choice... the essence that is "Kamille" at the core of self is vastly different from any one as well as any thing I've encountered in my years on Earth (this time lol). As I've shared in previous posts, I want or should I say, I desire to be my Self; authentically. Trouble I'm finding is, when I rarely see the same qualities reciprocated; it's exhausting! I've joked with select friends, if I had it to do over again I seriously doubt I would've chosen to come here as a "human" being. However in their defense, "no shade, no tea", I am thankful as well as appreciative of the fact that I was allowed the choice of being a Girl/ Woman. 

I often experience deja vu; as of late it occurs more frequently, lasting more than the typical "moment". As I try to piece them together in an attempt to know my self (past, present and future); I begin to question, when exactly does "free will" begin? Like, did it begin "before the foundation of the Earth"? Or in the womb?  My thought is, it occurs before the foundation of the World; however since the Woman's eggs are stationary and the Man's sperm is where the option/ choice(s) lie.  I believe that's where the decision is made.  I often ponder "if life had a reset button" how I'd make different choices; I wont go into them because they are beyond "weird" to the "average" person. LOL.

 

I have a few feelings/ issues that have popped up in writing this piece, so I am going to process them and share soon.

 

To be continued...

 

 

Please note: 

 

I have begun a new treatment plan, including new medication and it seems I have entered a space where my Mental Health is fragile and I don't or maybe I should say, I can't deal with the effects of another Anxiety Attack anytime soon.  So my presence on Social Media may be a bit scattered.  However I ask that you keep me in your prayers (in Jesus name), catch up on previous posts and stay on the look out for new "material".  Thank you for your kindness and understanding.  Until we "meet" again; Namaste.

 

When It Comes To "love".

As i channelled feelings as well as thoughts of previous expressions of "love", I couldn't help thinking about a time when I was willing to "go hard or go home" so to speak. 

The year was hmmm 2010 or 2011 and my "lover" at the time was over Seas. During an email conversation he mentioned being homesick; so I asked if there was anything I could do to make "it" better? He then expressed his need for one (1) item and I assured him that I'd take care of it. Shortly after my good "friend" OCD mingled with "love" and I was off, in search of...

As I shopped I thought, "if it were me, I'd appreciate a complete 'care' package"; so I included some silly things, a few 'insiders', a book and other 'cute' items. Somehow the timing synced almost perfectly with Valentine's Day so I also included a card and candy :)

Not long after we had another conversation and an item was mentioned. This time I didn't mention if I'd act on it, we were simply sharing information. Not long after the conversation, boredom and OCD got together; well this time the task wasn't as easy to complete. I went online and sent tons of emails in search of Bakeries in the UK in hopes of shipping, to no avail. 

Since the mission was unsuccessful I thought to share the story with him, who of course said "Kamille, you are crazy!", seeing how that's been said countless times, I've come to the awareness and adjusted my response. So I simply replied, "I know". LMAO.  

Check In: "Team Abstinence"

I'm floating within a-sexual, mono-sexual, bi-sexual and of course heterosexual. But I don't want to be/ choose just one. 

I love mono-sexuality because I've been fucking as well as "making love" to myself since I was hmmm 9 or 10 years old; I've mastered it, yet as time passes I learn new, fun ways to please myself (very well). Lately, I've been able to climax from thoughts or fantasies and most recently, from stimulating a desired feeling. I feel as if that "feature" has become my new "toy". Reminds me of when I got the "hood" of my clit pierced; simply walking became orgasmic and highly pleasurable. 

bi is for fantasy, fun and pleasure. A way to connect with another Goddess in the most intimate way. Exchanging sacred, divine energy and ancient secrets through the Heart, "Yoni" and 3rd eye portals. I recall my first experience with a girl, we were extremely young, perhaps 5 or 6 years old. We were in the back of my house in Compton, California (I loved that house); we had a garden, so she and I went out back to play and tend to the "harvest". Well, I'm not sure how it started, but I do remember us touching each other's vaginas and hers looked and felt like a peach. Same complexion and everything. She was beautiful and we were best friends, I don't know if we went any further or if that happened more than the one time. But I do remember when other girl friends tried to step over that line with me. I played "dumb" for obvious reasons. That is until High School when my "new" best friend would show her puss on a regular; it because hilarious because I'd never let on how it made me feel or the thoughts it sparked. I remember one day we were at her boyfriends house and I was watching television while they were having sex. Then he comes out, ass naked and asked if I wanted to join. Me being a virgin at the time I politely declined and she came out naked to coheres me; to no avail. Although I adore (many) Women, I'm not interested in a bi or polygamist relationship, for various reasons. 

Hetero of course is necessary and fulfilling.  The look, touch, feel, smell, weight of a Man on top, behind, underneath as He's inside of me. Touching my most sacred, treasured, protected space. As if He reaches my Heart from the inside of my Soul, I could never give that up, nor do I have any desire to. Coupled with the magic of procreation and its an instant panty changer/ dropper. I often feel mixed emotions with Men because their sexual experience can differ from that of a Woman due to the fact He's entering while She's being entered. That brings a ton of feelings, emotions, hormones and chemicals into the equation and I'm not always sure when it's one-sided. Leaving me wanting more than what is being offered; yet less than what I feel I deserve. 

The only one I don't care much for is a-sexual; it scares me because I'd likely put on a chastity belt and forget all about my vagina. In its defense, however being a-sexual is a plus when I'm on "Team Abstinence". I've done that approximately 4 times in my life, the most recent being last year. Initially I was pleased with my Self for making the promise and sticking to it (for the most part). That was actually the first time I ever had any regrets concerning my decision to abstain from sex. I felt/ feel as if it stifled a promising relationship; I think I was so hyped on my principles and may have been a bit on the "holier than thou" side of the fence rather than making adjustments as/ if necessary to accommodate any "budding romance". 

Lesson learned. 

Energy- There's More To It.

Seems the new bandwagon phenomenon has everyone talking about "energy" and how you should pay attention to the energy someone is showing you. I agree however there are a few components that should not be overlooked or counted out. 

1. Frequency- although energy is important, without considering how (in)frequent the energy is coming your way you could very well be misinterpreting the sentiments and/ or thoughts expressed. 

2. Vibration- how does the type/ style of energy, the level of frequency and the "vibe" make you feel? If it's all good, I say "play on". If it's okay, I'd make adjustments and if it's bad/ not good, welp. 

3. Wavelength- to me this is the most important factor; if the energy, frequency and vibe are consistent yet meaningless/ thoughtless/ careless/ reckless/ etc. I'd rather do without however if the energy and vibe are meaningful, thoughtful, mindful, etc. I can overlook (in)frequency within reason. 

How do you feel about this concept? Do your views differ? If so, how? in what way? I'd love to hear/ read your thoughts. 

Fun Facts About MeSheHer... Kamille

FunFact(s): for "shits & giggles" I like to think of what I refer to as "randomness" and #translate it into other languages. lately I've been basking in French; I think I'm becoming #obsessed with France (OCDlife), partly because, "it's France, duh" lol 

along with (I'm not sure how "well known" this is, but) one of the origins of the name "Kamille" is French and it was commonly a masculine name meaning FreeBorn, Noble and in other translations Perfect.  

Clearly you can get a glimpse of the neurosis which are myThoughts; it was predestined (lmao)

App: @textcutieofficial #TextCutie 

*photo of my last published translation/ thought/ expression shared on my Twitter September 4, 2014. 

The Shape of My Heart

These feelings are uniquely unfamiliar; I've felt them before, many times;  but never to this magnitude. I recall this space, but typically the trip is over before I'm fully settled and had a chance to unpack my bags completely. I no longer recognize the shape of my Heart, it's been stretched to the point that it's unrecognizable to me. It's as if it's fully open, which frightens me; I suppose due to the amount of vulnerability it requires.  To think I'd get to be "a woman of a certain age" and finally begin to understand (slightly) what it means to love.  Not in the cliché sense of the term, this is something altogether different. I feel brand new to love; as if all of the hurts from the past have been erased. 

A few days ago I posted on my Facebook that I'd given all of my "ugly Hurts" their "pretty Wings"; to be honest, I thought I was just being clever by playing on the words and songs of two of my favorite artist ("Pretty Hurts" - Beyonce and "Pretty Wings" - Maxwell). What I didn't consider in my banter was the sincerity in my Heart as well as the truth in my intention, because it seemed to release me from a lot of the baggage of unpleasant feelings regarding my past and the people associated with them. After much thought I realize this love which started within, from/ for/ towards my Self had spilled over; allowing me to actually love Others, unconditionally.   I pray this level of excitement isn't short lived; however as I reflect on recent days I am made aware that this is often the temperament of my Being upon awakening each morning; of course before the effects and activity of the day takes hold. 

To say this has been a very "trying" few years would be an understatement; nonetheless I am appreciatative, grateful and thankful for my Family, Friends, "Well Wishers" and "Supporters". I only wish the love is felt in the way my Heart feels to express it. I suppose that's the challenge with unfamiliar territory; the adjusting, alterations and readjustments. 

As I gather my Thoughts and make an attempt to organize my schedule as well as re-evaluate my daily/ weekly routine(s); I wanted to make sure to take a moment to acknowledge as well as say prayers for my Family, entirely. Although the tests and trails are many, I know that The Lord will not put more upon us than we can bare, with Love, Faith and Unity; I know that "...all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28 NIV)" along with "I (We) can do all this through him who gives me (us) strength. (Philippians 4:13 NIV)". 

I would also like to extend that sentiment to you and your Family/ Loved Ones as you read my words; as I do pray for each person who encounters the Blog in addition to the other Social Media sites I contribute to. Hoping that the things I choose to share are in some way helpful in brightening your day or providing insight or whatever. As I find it easier to express my Self, I am also learning, or should I say, accepting the way my Being may affect/ effect someone else along their journey through this maze of Life. It is quite humbling and at times overwhelming as my goal is truly to be myself; not exactly "unapologetically", because my intention is not to offend. The word, authentically comes to mind; as I'm not setting out to please people, I am simply documenting my thoughts, feelings, understanding in an attempt to share my experiences. I believe it's vital for people to know "you are not alone", "I can relate" not to mention "I've been there, here's some red flags so you can learn from my 'mistakes'". 

As I've shared in previous posts my overall goal when my Life is all "said and done" and I am "face to face" with my Creator "'His (Her) master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’ (Matthew 25:23 NIV)". 

Understanding the divine balance of Being a Soul/ Spirit experiencing a Human existence, with all that entails. Needless to say, I am a "work in progress" and I Thank You for accompanying me as I navigate my Self, my Life and my Experiences in such a way that also helps me to overcome the battles which are associated with the Anxiety Disorder along with my (many) other strengths, lessor strengths, disorders, flaws, etc. 

Enjoy your Day. Namasté :)

Today's Color Therapy

feeling some shade of Blue in the moment. definitely not Indigo. i just looked at a color chart and the one that stuck out the most; or should I say, the one I was drawn to the most was Midnight Blue. it feels accurate, for reasons. 

after a short "trip" down Memory Lane and a pit stop at a Pity Party hosted by "Trying To Figure Something Out" and a few side effects of Insomnia; I am making a Conscious effort to pull my Self out of it. so far holding my Rose Quartz seems to be helping a little, Well actually they're helping a lot. 

The great thing is depression is at bay and I am encouraged to continue my Day; possibly engage in Team Fitness as well as a bit of "Team Of Me" in addition to "Team Us" (with the Fam) as I am aware that when you're feeling a little Blue, the Pink and Yellow helps. 

*queues up "Yellow" by Coldplay*

I also figured it always help to spread a bit of positive energy especially in those moments when you need them the most. hope you all are enjoying your Friday! 

Spell Check

I'm curious; or rather questioning my thought(s) and decided to allow them to flourish.

Do you find yourself using your words to "cast" torment/ misfortune upon your Self and/or Others (deformation) or are you speaking blessings and good will/ tidings to your Self and/ or Others (affirmations)?

As I've awakened my Core along with (Concious Effort) towards managing a healthy Chakra balance I find myself much more sensitive to words than ever before. I recall as a child if someone (an Authority Figure) spoke harshly to me I would sincerely cry; as a result I rarely received spankings, if I were to count the number in total it would be far less than "average" and viewed as either "laughable" or "spoiled"; however when a peer used harsh words with me I'd return the sentiment and overall I've had approximately 5 (give or take, as I'm relying on my Memory) physical altercations from Elementary through High School. As a Young Adult (20- 25) I've had literally a couple of "tussles", but nothing worthy of a second glance. And the thought of anything escalating to that point after 25 years old never entered my Mind. For the most part I've created a habit of choosing my Words in the form of Honesty, Truth, Facts and the ultimate, Scripture to "fight my battles" for me.   

About a month ago I had to face an extremely unpleasant situation, which was inevitable (the situation not the experience). After all was said and done I vented on my Facebook page my irritation and "hatred" for having to endure such discomfort and imo, foolishness. Once it was posted my "friends" Anxiety, OCD and the Perfectionist came through to over-analyze my expression. As I read and re-read the entry I found myself getting sadder, madder and more disgusted each time. Once I realized it I quickly deleted the post and in it's place stated something funny, silly or happy; I don't remember exactly. As I thought of the words to express I felt my mood improve and as I completed and pressed "post" I felt good about what I was saying/ sharing with those who will scroll through my "feed". 

Recently as the amount of stress is ever present varying in levels from day to day as well as moment to moment, I'm finding my tolerance toward the "triggers" has gotten lower and lower. As I have become aware, this is a dangerous Space for me as there are only two experiences that typically follow this "chain of unfortunate events"; either I'm going to "pop off" at the mouth and say things I'd wanted to leave unsaid; in an attempt to consider the affects as well as the possible effects of my words or I continue to "overlook" the offenses, irritation and/ or negative energy resulting in the experience of Anxiety or Panic Attack. Lately I've been experiencing a state of "Sensory Overload", where my Body has become quite easily affected by loudness, brightness, sounds (more specifically, noise) and smells. Even to the point that when touched I can feel any sensation ranging from extremely aroused or on the other end of the spectrum, absolutely disgusted depending on the energy as well as the intent. The other thing that comes into play is my level of comfort and respect for my personal space and boundaries (I'll share more on that topic "soon"). 

So I suppose that's where the curiousity comes in; do you feel the effects of unpleasant energy/ words in your Being? And/ or are you aware of how that energy is manifesting in your Living Experience? I've read a few times about the experiment with freezing water after attaching certain words to them and how the result ranged from "artistic" to "distorted". Can you imagine how the inside of our Brain, Heart and overall Being would look on the inside if we were to cut ourselves open to explore the effects of days, weeks, months and/or years of negativity or on the bright side, positivity!

Well if you take a look at the world outside your window (and by "window" I'm referring to your Eyes as they are believed to be the "windows of your Soul"), what do you see? Is the glass half empty or half full? Do you even see the glass? I say that because in a resent exchange on Social Media I was accused of "projecting" something onto an Other. My response to that was simply "your perception is your reality"; which makes me think of that old saying "if a Tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?"  Well yes, it not only makes a sound, it also effects the Space around it. In the event the majority of your words are full of "shade", gossip, bullshit, lies, opinions, etc the manifestation will most likely be a poor existence in one, some or many areas of your Being; whether mentally, physically, emotionally, interpersonally (socially) and/ or financially. 

By no means am I saying to only use "pretty" words or anything along those lines (I.e: fluff, bullshit, empty promises or "blowing smoke up someone's ass"); however as my "Auntie" (in my Head) Iyanla Vanzant would say "call a thing a thing". Being straightforward and honest with your intentions and/or expectations goes a long way. It also cuts down the assumptions, misunderstandings and overall confusion. On the flip side, the struggle I have can be expressed if I truly took heed to the words of my other "Auntie" (in my Head) Wendy Williams, who daily encourages us to "say it like you mean it". In my attempt to spare the feelings or whatever of others I was expressing a lack of value towards my own (aka neglecting). My perspective was not from a Space of low self esteem or inferiority, but on the extreme opposite as a method of taking "the high road". I have been aware of many of my personality traits for quite some time thanks to my unique experience with "Only Child Syndrome" lol I'd rather not go into details about that at this time, but I'm sure I'll recall a funny story or something in which to introduce that "Character" to the Blog.  

Lastly, I wanted to offer an exchange of sort; I challenge you (speaking in general) to replace the term "hate" with speaking of the opposite, which is what you "love" giving focus to the positive while dismissing (rebuking) the negative. In addition there of course are (insert common noun here) that we truly dislike; and that's fine/ okay/ acceptable. However, let's say we limited the amount of expressions of "dislike" to what is absolutely necessary. I find some people only seem to express what they dislike and to be quite "frank", "that's that shit I don't like". It seems rather than spending countless hours and energy on what is disliked, the focus and intent could be used toward something of value and/ or meaning. I've been practicing the exchange of my "dislikes" for things "I would rather" be doing. After making that shift, I've felt a difference; it's still developing so as I continue to make my observations I will share my findings at some point I'm sure. 

Hopefully, something I've shared may have sparked your own thoughts, feelings, insights, experiences regarding the topic; if so I'd love to know how (if at all) you were effected. 

Be Well & Thrive as you approach your day, I pray you have a good one. 

Namasté

photo credit: from the_nail_polish_addict on Instagram. If you have the opportunity, check out her page, it is beyond words to/ for me. Full of positive motivation along with Divine inspiration.