The World Outside My Window

"This week the last pass of the ongoing opposition between Saturn and Uranus takes place. Saturn is in Libra and moving forward, while Uranus is in Aries and is retrograde. It is time to find your inner balance while also taking advantage of this opportunity to shed old fears, patterns, negative emotions, and other sticky energies. By doing so, you can create space to grow into the person you were always meant to be." Okay, so the above was copied & pasted from MSN Horoscopes today which explains so much right now. This week has been extremely 'odd' however I couldn't quite put my finger on it so to speak. For the most part I blamed pms and unsettled hormones which may have been caused by the stars, planets and such. Especially since my astrological sign is 'ruled' by Saturn I'm sure for those who truly believe in this concept it speaks for itself. In retrospect it does make sense; at least to me. I've felt deja vu a couple times this week, v...

i would like to get on an airplane and disappear lol like the song says "im leaving on an airplane and i dont know if i'll be back again" funny i dont recall the exact lyrics or the name of the artist but randomly that line jumps in my head and i dream of a day when i can pack a back and go.  i envision a small bag with the bare necessities and i'd buy whatever i needed as i travelled.  that would be so awesome! especially as i feel overwhelmed by the direction my life has taken.  for a brief while i had become very passive with my career choices, kind of making rash decisions or just plain not thinking things through leaving me in a place where i am not happy or passionate about what i do for a living.  i appreciate the fact that i have employment especially during these hard economic times however i feel like i need to make a difference and i am not doing that at this time. which is another reason for this much needed vacation: peace of mind! i need to cle...

I've started several entries to no avail, I guess my heart just wasn't in any of them. I even considered deleting all of my prior 'thoughts' and starting anew but what good would that do? I've scrapped things in the past: people, phone numbers, blogs, you name it but those days are over. With all that said I decided not to erase everything simply because they are somewhat preoccupied with a certain someone the truth is, I felt those things. I still feel those things so why erase them as if that will magically erase the love or the hurt. I completely understand that I am a work in progress striving to be a better me but I still love him. I pray that one day I'll love him less, until its not at all. It helps when I don't talk about him or think too much of our history (ancient and that of recent days) today was not one of those days. I was often reminded of the latest hurts and I began to miss him. I even considered texting but thought it'd be in my bes...

Now, now, now, honey You better sit down and look around Cause you must've bumped yo' head And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids And the dog is gone Check my credentials... I give you everything you want everything you need Even your friends say I'm a good woman All I need to know is why? Why don't you love me? Tell me, baby, why don't you love me When I make me so damn easy to love? And why don't you need me? Tell me, baby, why don't you need me When I make me so damn easy to need? I got beauty, I got class I got style, and I got @ss And you don't even care to care Looka here I even put money in the bank account Don't have to ask no one to help me out You don't even notice that Why don't you love me? Tell me, baby, why don't you love me When I make me so damn easy to love? Why don't you need me? Tell me, baby, why don't you need m...

had a wonderful Mother's Day. Spent it w/the love of my life & my fav! Funny how I recall carrying him n my tummy & talking/reading to him. I remember praying to GOD for a healthy, happy child & the skills to provide, nurture & teach him. Over the past 10 yrs I know GOD heard me. I almost shed tears. I am truly proud of how brilliant, caring, loving, happy and funny my son is. Very well rounded my heart is smiling

vul·ner·a·ble adj. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. The funny thing about loving someone is the risk you take when you decide to be completely *open*. Being open requires you to become vulnerable in hopes that the person feels the same, or returns similar openness to you. Well what happens when you choose to be open and the other person does not? Do you continue, or is it wise to hold back? However if both person are picking and choosing what to share with one another what type of relationship/friendship can come from that? Yet if one person is open and the other person is not, it is clear that the person who is sharing their all is most *susceptible to emotional injury* so I guess the question then becomes: is it worth it? That I suppose can only be measured by how much this friendship means to the person who's likely to become a victim of it. But is victim the right word? I find myself in a very odd situation because I have to make a decision to either open my...

Ooh, you're searching for something I know, won't make you happy Ooh, you're thirsting for something I know, won't make you happy Ooh, you did it all again, you broke another skin It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe That my heart, my heart's an open door You got all you came for, baby So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride's worth Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts And out runs all of the sadness It's terrifying, life, through the darkness And I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again You try sometimes but it won't stop You got my heart and my head's lost, ooh yeah I've been burning down these candles for love, for love So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride Ooh, someone to love, mm, someone to love Someone to love Ooh, you're searching for something I know, won't make you happy Ooh

when he's not around I can't sleep & I have no appetite. when I make myself eat (b/c I know I have to) food has no taste I just need him close to me *sigh* to feel his breath on my neck, his look as our eyes meet & the way my body feels when he touches me

I try my best not to get my hopes up when it comes to him... yet for some reason I can't just let go completely :-/

Okay so he came for "a couple days" which was actually a week and did not make any real effort to see me. The one day he did the time of arrival changed multiple times for various reasons however didn't happen because I live "too far". I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid. The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I ...