The World Outside My Window

I recall posting throughout the years about seeking to be more responsible; thinking things would magically come together and I could tackle each area of my life one by one; boy, was I wrong.  Shortly after I discovered an avalanche of "trouble" and overwhelming feelings ranging from disbelief to confusion; eventually got things on track for the better.  That's usually when we take a sigh of relief and "Thank GOD, that's over".  The past few days I've had thoughts about "Getting Over" something, which to me is the lighter or "easier" way around various challenges life may bring.  I find this process takes much longer because of the amount of time denying there's anything to get over in the first place.  Then once we come to terms with the reality of the matter some may sweep it under the rug only to trip over it somewhere down the line.  This year has shown many ups and downs for me, however this time I am seeking a deeper unde...

I've never been the type to believe that I had the ability to "change" anyone; nor do I attempt to.  I realized very early in life that my only obligation was to change, rather improve my Self.  As a perfectionist with a sheltered upbringing, I found myself quite judgmental, however I kept my judgments to my Self.  I was super critical of my thoughts, actions as well as my words.  The good thing for Others, was that I am a true introvert.  I absolutely adore the time spent with myself, just as much (if not more) than being in the company of a group.   I don't recall what sparked in me.  Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be.  The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world".  It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never ...

I don't cry (often); I've mentioned that before in previous posts, however for the past week I've been trying to cry.  My eyes are watery and a tear or two has escaped, but not the out pour that I need to occur.  After more research or should I say, investigation, I can now prove that this unwanted weight is a direct side effect from the medication I was prescribed.  Of course there will be no apology, and to be honest what good would it do anyway.  I spent the beginning months of this year ruling out pregnancy which of course triggered emotions I wasn't expecting, but once that was finally ruled out I attempted to change eating habits as well as fitness routines all to no avail.  Now here we are half way through the year and the truth is discovered.  I was right, so why do I feel so hopeless and depressed? I've had several "lectures" ranging from someone really close to me to people overstepping their boundaries to tell me to "push back from the...

“ We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss." ~ Paulo Coelho Normally when I feel this way I do my best to  "fall off the face of the Earth" ;  I often refer to it as "hibernating".  I rarely speak to anyone aside from important matters with the exception of a select few and I focus mainly on my Spirituality.  I find helpful articles or  youtube  videos which I believe enhance the journey I find myself on.   Providing insight or awareness to something I've thought or meditated about.  As I find myself in a space of uncertainty and unhappiness, I am unsure what to do to pull myself out of this rut (for lack of a better word).  Although I've always been an introvert and found that focusing on myself (mind, body and spirit) is the only way for growth, I am having a difficult time these days.  I joked recently on my twitter regarding the torment of a writer and how the mind of a non-fiction writer must be pure he...

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perha...

Due to various (personal) health issues I've decided to keep matters private; although I drafted the thoughts I thought it would be best to keep them to myself.  At times that's where the challenge lies,  seeing how the Blog is personal in nature and "detailing" my "growth";  I often times struggle with the amount of information about myself I'd like to share.  I also deal with the issue of the narrative; making sure I'm not solely venting or over-sharing (you know how much I hate that).  Not to mention various topics I've refused to discuss online. This past few months have been strange.  I don't know how much detail I'd like to go into, nevertheless, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss in the midst of the disorders, disappointments, conditions, issues and the like.  That's the struggle; imagine being happy yet sad or overwhelmed yet bored.  It's quite complex and confusing, especially as I attempt to navigate throug...

When I take the medication as prescribed it confuses my emotions; I'm either aloof or an (internal) emotional roller coaster and I get tired of that. I feel my depression meds aren't strong enough and I'm still anxious although I have meds for that too.  Although I haven't had many anxiety attacks since beginning them in 2012, I feel as if I'm always on edge and need a gazillion techniques just to overcome each day. This helps on the "normal" days, but the bad days are pure hell. Keeping that to myself (probably) makes it worse, which is why I decided to share.  I'm taking a break from my meds now and although my attitude (at times) may be (insert whatever here) that's when I feel like myself (pre-illness) and for brief intervals I'm fine with that. 

So I was accepted into the School I applied to, however since I had to complete all of my documentation during Mercury Retrograde I wasn't surprised when "upon review" it was determined that I need to complete more General classes before I can begin my program.  So there's a slight delay, however I am still on track towards the overall goal.  I find myself having dreams or should I say nightmares filled with anxiety about the next phase of my journey, but in the end I know.... well I believe I can overcome them with patience towards myself as well as the proper support. I took a break from my meds again, this time I am noticing a few side-effects which I will discuss in therapy along with my Doctor and see if possibly changing medication or something could be beneficial.  It seems to be contributing to my weight gain, and I think it goes without saying that I am unhappy about it.  I know this may sound odd, but I'd rather be "skinny" and "crazy...

I've been trying to think of something special to write since it's been so long since I've checked in.  As far as some of the things going on with me.  I guess I should announce that I've been accepted into College.  As I've written before that was an area that I've been avoiding for quite some time, mainly out of fear.  I feared getting started, yet I also feared the process as well as if I'd complete my goal.  I've somehow overcome those fears and decided that I must at least try.  Although I was somewhat worried I am happy with the School I've selected and I am looking forward to the journey ahead of me. Another goal I've made for myself is to shed these unwanted pounds,  I have begun a few dietary changes and I am looking forward to the results in the months to come.   As my state of mind has changed a bit I hope to write more in the days to come.  Until then... Namaste

I've begun drawing, at least in my head for now.  I intend to capture the images onto paper in the near future. Not to share, but to stretch my imagination in a way I haven't practiced in quite some time.  At times, I question if I am attempting to be a writer or if it is truly something I desire to become.  Even as I question myself I drift into thought of things I daydream about, the writings left unpublished as well as the songs composed in my heart.  I am not sure why I stopped myself from expressing these things before, or why I've decided to share so much now;  I suppose I reached a point where keeping everything to myself was no longer satisfying. I've read a few notes from a journal simply titled "thoughts", when I purchased it I envisioned pages upon pages, filled with ramblings as well as stories and perhaps the makings of a book. However, after dealing with a few matters along with the ever-present mental health issues I seem to have taken a step b...