The World Outside My Window

I try my best not to get my hopes up when it comes to him... yet for some reason I can't just let go completely :-/

Okay so he came for "a couple days" which was actually a week and did not make any real effort to see me. The one day he did the time of arrival changed multiple times for various reasons however didn't happen because I live "too far". I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid. The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I ...

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control" So I noticed that I posted the above quote twice lol back to back. Crazy thing is: minus the 'title' and 'label' the posts were identical. Both times a certain someone came to mind and I wanted to record the thought that captured my feelings toward *him. I recall him saying that he'd sent a message to me prior to our initial meeting and I didn't remember, according to him I didn't respond then coincidentally we become friends through a chat room of mutual friend only to build an extraordinary bond that has seen its ups and downs for the past 8 years. That to me sounds a bit like fate which is why this quote hit so close to home. Out of the number of internet friends that particular chat room created I don't speak to any of them. However with him through our periods of not speaking no matter how hard I try to fight it, it doesn't...

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control

I think some people are truly scared of being loved FOR REAL so they tend to go back to the person that really make them comfortable. The person who makes it easy for them; that way they aren't required to take the next step are grow with the other person. They can remain dumb and stagnant or content with mediocrity. sometimes they honestly don't know how OR don't believe they deserve to be loved in return sometimes you just have to take the good times & remind yourself that its over for a reason because you'll never figure out the mind of a man who goes back rather than grow forward. yet that's the path he chose so I gotta know I'm better off without him. my ♥ aches but I rather deal with it now & heal (eventually) than to have an aching ♥ WITH the man who claims to love me ... Clearly he's just not the one FOR me and one day he will no longer be a thought or memory. One day I won't see his face when I close my eyes or hear is voice as I r...

I was the one I who could Pull in all the stars above Lay them on your feet And I gave you my love You are the one that got me started You could have let me Love anyone but I only wanted you So why did you make me cry Why didn't you come get me one last time You'll always know the reason why We could have had the moon and the sky You'll always know the reason why this love Reason why this love Aint gonna let you go You lay me down and left me for the lions A long, long time ago You left me there dying But you'll never let me go You'll always know the reason why We could have had the moon and the sky You'll always know the reason why this love Reason why this love Aint gonna let you go You'll always know the reason why The song you heard Will stay on your mind It aint gonna let you go, no Cos you were the moon And I the endless sky You'll always know the reason why We could have had the moon and the sky You'll alwa...

'I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to I know its wrong feeling this strong let me take a second minute I will think this thing through Remember all the moments for two, how we used to Oh yeah But the reality honestly...you where never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do..' Lately whenever my mind travels to thoughts of him I am reminded of the Jill Scott song in which she reminisces of a past lover who 'stretched her limbs across the bed and showed her where the climax was at' whewwwwwww yes! That would be YOU *wipes away the tears* anyway she paints a vivid picture of the love they shared. I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter, send this '2way/text' I'm gone say some things and you're gonna say some things that we both don't need to say. In the end regardless of the connection if its only physical the contact isn't worth the h...

My heart hurts more than it has in a very long time. I feel as if apart of me died. I wish I could sleep and avoid the reality of this pain.

One of my favorite songs is 'hope that its you' by Donnell Jones. The melody is very soothing and heartfelt as he sings about the love in which he longs for 'hope that you're qualified to give me love and affection'.... 'Someone who can satisfy my every little need, I hope that its you' That song comes to mind at this moment because I finally realize why I haven't been able to let certain people go. Recently I've entertained conversations with a friend/ex or whatever where he has expressed his love and admiration for me. I will admit that I love him, often I've thought of the possibility of 'us' however in the back off my mind, pit of my belly, deep in my heart I know that he is not the one. Awaiting his visit I became restless and excited until a day or two before during a conversation when he decided to give me a disclaimer to later disclose that he was 'just joking' :-/ I was immediately turned OFF and wished I could get out ...

"had an epiphany! the love we share is so real, if only I met a man who I could love as much as my blackberry *sigh* it 'completes me' " Okay it started as a joke in my facebook status but as the responses came in about how crazy (I assume in the funny as well as mentally unstable use of the word) I am I began to actually give my statement some thought. For starters Blackberry and I have been together since around 2004 (give or take) that's 6 years which is light-years longer than any of my recent relationships; which usually tap out around the 1 year mark however due to laziness, comfort, routine, etc I'll continue to entertain an 'ole faithful' so I won't be forced to actually date or meet new people. Both of which are my least favorite things to do mainly because dating and meeting new people reminds me of how 'different' I really am: humor, logic, emotions, etc are very much unlike 99.9% of others especially those in my age bracket and...