The World Outside My Window

Years ago I realized I wanted a relationship, I also realized that I had/have some areas that dont work in my favor when dealing with men.  I had a conversation or two with a girl I follow on twitter  @ singlegirlguide , I also checked out her blog http://www.thesinglegirlsguidetomen.com occassionally.  The conclusion of our conversation was her suggesting that I find a "practice boyfriend", her reasoning was that I'd be in position to work out all of my kinks, he'd benefit from it so it wasnt as if I was using him so either our interaction would morph into something significant OR I'd meet someone worthy and would be prepared to be a great girlfriend! Sounds like a win/win if you ask me.   So I meet a guy through a mutual friend, I understood that he was abstinent which in my mind was perfect since I didnt necessary want to have sex with the "practice boyfriend".  He and I begin spending time together and on occassion he'd sp...

Dealing with anxiety has been a very eye opening experience for me. Since I completed my last cleanse a few weeks ago I've begun to see myself differently, like who I really am. I will admit, I like am in love with myself now (flaws and all). Earlier this year I was in such a dark space I couldn't even look myself in the mirror without a feeling of disgust, humiliation and/or insecurity. I'd gained weight and as I thought of the fact that I'd been 115 lbs until my son was born then hmm 130- 140 lbs up until a couple of years ago I grew more and more depressed as the numbers on the scale continued to increase and doctors now referred to me as "obese". I wasn't interested in sex, or should I say, I had no desire to have sex because I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin. Needless to say #TeamAbstinence was a breeze! So as I've cleansed, changed my eating habits and gotten into a regular fitness lifestyle the lbs have shed and I actually su...

Today I choose to celebrate the life of a dear friend, someone who shall remain in my heart and my thoughts for the rest of my life.  I've never done that, well since his death.  I've never gone back to the cemetery and I rarely look at his obituary.  I finally took the photo that was on the cover and placed it in a frame, however it hurts to see his face. I didn't understand how things changed so quickly, or if I didn't hear something or had I overlooked a sign.  I have no clue yet I felt so much hurt and guilt as if somehow I was supposed to prevent this from happening.  I remember I wanted to die so he and I could be together again.  I didn't understand why he killed himself.  I didn't understand why he'd share so much the last time I saw him knowing what he'd planned to do.  I was hurt and angry, I was so upset with him for years.  I remember I'd see him in my dreams so I'd wish I would never wake up so I could stay there forever. ...

So for the past six (6) months I've been all about my #TeamAbstinance, then the other day I fell off. I thought it was what I needed or perhaps I convinced myself it was what I wanted. Well, once again I was disappointed and underwhelmed. When he asked me if I climaxed and my response was "no", I could see the look of embarrassment in his face as he tried to comprehend why I wasn't "mad" I guess his feelings were further damaged by my reaction. However over the years I've grown to expect them not to perform, so I'm never surprised when it happens that way. I recall a recent conversation with my ex, which was quite interesting, he mentioned certain abilities I have so when I tell him that I didn't reach my destination with someone he never knows how to respond. Over the years he has said to me that I'm "hard to forget" so I finally decided to ask him why, he said  "How orgasmic you are. Not a matter of if you will have one...

There's nothing like a man with a clear vision for himself. Add to that, a clear vision for his woman, child(ren) & community; who could stop him? I would love to see more men taking their position as the King's they are and honoring us (Queens) as we should be. I've learned to embrace my "single" status, understanding that I'll wait for the one who shows AND proves himself to be worthy. No need to settle, the laws of the Universe are in our favor, if only we trust and believe.

I'd allow my ego to speak for me, but I know arrogance would be right there to unravel everything I've worked for. So I won't. It would sure be funny though (at least to me).

Initially I didn't understand why I was so emotional the past few days, until at some point I realized the date. November 4th, I was rushing, I woke up late and it completely derailed my entire day. I'd planned to get gas before work, but since I was 30 minutes late I said "I'll do it later". Somehow that didn't happen either, the day turns to evening and I forget all about it. I remember I stopped at a party, had a drink (or two) then went to see the guy I was dating and he went with me to get some piercing (I don't recall which one). I expected to stay at his place and leave the next morning, as I planned it out I factored that I'd have to get gas by then for sure. Well it's about 2:30 am at this point and he wasn't with my plan, as he tried to repair the damage done by his initial reaction it was too late. I left, wishing, hoping, praying I make it home safely since getting gas now is out of the question. I'm so close to home, I th...

I believe there's a very thin line between awareness and "crazy"; I think at some stage you can slip past the line and it may become difficult to find your way back. A couple of weeks ago I recognized how often I would attach that word to myself, then I heard or read something Joel Osteen said about how we attract to ourselves whatever statement we attach after "I am". Another thing I realized was that I had become afraid to watch a particular show that I'd grown to love because of the new direction it had taken. On Wednesday evenings I'd watch "American Horror Story" on FX, however this season would be in an "Asylum" so I began to question if I was able to handle it. I've learned to recognize the "voice" of my thoughts, like, when I am listening to my core self versus when ego, fear, insecurity, confidence, doubt, etc. are speaking. In my head, they all have different voices and at times it can be a bit difficult to d...

Three doctors and two prescriptions for a migraine headache that morphed into something I've never experienced before. I was literally in darkness with the covers pulled over my head each day, for a week. The vibration I felt in my head was beyond words. With sensitivity to light and sound, television and music were out of the question! So I slept, better yet, I dreamt; for 5 days. With the exception of outings to the doctor and for food, I don't recall many outings for food though. I typically have the most amazing dreams, I learned at a very young age how to control them. When I was young, I had "bad" dreams most nights, I don't think I'd classify them as nightmares, but they weren't pleasant. So I figured out a way to redirect them. Like, if I could tell the sequence of the current dream was heading to a dark space or someplace I didn't want it to go, I would think of something happy and my dream would change. The best part is, doing this never in...

I had a couple conversations on Wednesday which rubbed me the wrong way. It started after I left my 2nd therapy session, I was feeling a mixture of emotions so I put my headphones in and attempted to find my groove as I headed to "The Last of the Lost", I see a guy trying to get my attention and I'm in a mood so I entertain the conversation just to pass the time. He then asks for my number and I figure, what do I have to lose? He calls immediately and proceeds with his "getting to know you" line of questioning. His first mistake was thinking I was much younger than I am, although it is a compliment; he took the "baby face" to mean my mind was young as well. He learned quickly! So I ask him his hobbies, the last book he read and a few other questions that would let me know if this would be a waste of time. I quickly learned that it in fact would be. Based on his line of questioning I could tell he was a "pussy hound", running around town excha...